oh grandma...

Last night my grandmother called. We discussed the unfortunate situation of the babies in China poisoned by the formula. I lamented how I didn't understand why so many women in China use formula, and my grandmother replies (I kid you not):

"They probably have to use formula in China. All they eat is rice over there. They get no nutrition*, that's why their skin is so yellow."

THAT'S WHY THEIR SKIN IS SO YELLOW???????????? OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She honestly believes this!!! I don't even get it, kids.... I am at a loss.













*of course!

Ello!

I'm just checking in to say hi! Things are going pretty well here. The gnome has started reaching and grabbing, which is great, except for when she tugs on my hair. She is still very cheery and agreeable, which i guess is the calm before the teething storm.

She has been very into her busy beads lately, and jams everything you give her into her mouth- including fingers. Yesterday we went to lunch with my friends from work and while riding in the back seat with her one of my friends, Katie, said that the gnome was trying to sneak Katie's hands into her mouth! She does it to me, too. It's funny- she's very sly about it. She'll slowly and calculatedly bring your fingers up to her mouth and then before you know it -bam! I'll be riding in the back seat with her and let her hold my hand and all of a sudden my finger will feel all wet and gooey and I'll realize she has jammed it into her mouth! Silly gnome!!!

What else, what else. Oh! So I did give a preemptive call to my mom about Sarah Palin. My mom doesn't always follow politics, and I didn't want her to see a woman and think "Oh look, a woman! I'll vote for her!" I know John McCain is counting on just that sort of woman, so if you know one, for fleck's sake clue her in! My mom would have voted for Hillary, so i had to be sure, but sure enough, trusty old mom said a guy at her office told her "women will vote for Palin because she's a woman, not because of her politics" and my mom told him he was an idiot. Go mom!

Speaking of Palin, if I were a republican woman, I'd be as offended as f**k. I mean jeez. At least pick someone with SOME experience who doesn't suck. To incinuate that women are that shallow... Ugh.

Well, some are, but those are the ones that are usually too self involved to vote anyways. Who needs 'em!

Oh, the other night we went to this record/bookstore down the street and I bought this book. An instant classic, and yes I will read it to the gnome! She needs to know!

How it Went...

Well, gnomer had her 4mo checkup yesterday! She weighed 14.8 and is up to 24" long! She is doing great!!! I'm really happy :D

I finally decided since my mom was there that I'd just wait outside during the vaccines. Apparently, though, the gnome only cried @ the last shot and was done almost instantly! So maybe I *do* stress her out.

She did not develop a fever, and slept quite well afterwards...

Today, however... Today was one for the record books! After we dropped my mom off @ the airport, we went to the office for our weekly meeting. Gnomer ate @ 9:45 and *should* have been good 'til almost 1pm, but she instead decided that noon was lunchtime and a horrific meltdown (perhaps the one she didn't have yesterday) was in order. She was screaming so forcefully she wasn't inhaling and I could see her tonsils vibrating!!! She was so loud the entire company heard her, and they actually sent someone upstairs to the conference room to make sure everything was ok!

Once we got home gnomette was a bit less fussy, but generally she's been a crank all day. She got like this last time she had vaccines, too, so I guess we can expect this for month 6, also...

Anything but this.

So today is four days shy of the gnome's 4 month birthday, which of course means what else but the four-month checkup.

The horror.

The checkup is admittedly a few days early this month, due more in part to what's available at her pediatrician's than my or my husband's schedule. I am excited to see her height/weight and to hear if she's doing well or if I'm failing miserable with the nursing, but I am decidedly NOT excited about the end of the exam. AKA, the vaccines.

She is due for four more shots -two in each thigh- and maybe another oral vaccine, which is just liquid droppered into her mouth which doesn't bother her (though she spits it out as fast as it comes in...). The part everyone hates is the needles, of course. Luckily for me my mom is here until tomorrow and can go with us. I think I need the moral support more than the baby does! My husband has already insisted that I wait out in the waiting room til the shots are over. I want to be able to, but part of me feels insanely guilty about leaving her alone in there. Not that her father and grandmother won't be there, but as mommy it's my job to comfort her... I just feel so conflicted.

Last time I stayed and cried just as hard as she did. It was horrible and heartbreaking, and I have at least one new mom friend from my baby class that has her husband take their son to get his vaccines so she doesn't have to be in the same BUILDING. So I know its not just me and I'm not alone in being a bad mommy abandoning my baby in her darkest hour. Last time the gnome cried so hard she didn't even open her eyes so its not like she would have seen me and felt better. I tried telling her it was okay, but I doubt she could hear me over her own screams- she certainly didn't listen to me- my comforting words did nothing to calm her down.

I probably will not know what I'm doing until right up to the minute the shots are administered. As hard as it is for me to see her in pain, I am still her mother and I have to be the adult. But at the same time, I've only been a mom for less than 16 weeks. I'm new at this, so maybe someone could allow me a little leeway? My instincts tell me to protect my baby from harm and stop her from hurting- it goes against nature to just hand her over to a stranger and let them stab her repeatedly.

I just don't know what to do.

It's happening.

So the shedding thing that everyone warned me about? Totally happening. Lucky for me I have a ton of hair so I probably won't miss most of it, but its SO weird to see it all coming out into my comb. I've been finding my hairs in the gnome's balled fist for a week now, but it's really starting to fall out these past few days. It just looks scary. Ugh.

The gnome is doing well. Right now she's lying in the play yard and babbling away. She has really been trying to roll from her back to her belly, so we'll see if that happens soon. I am also sad because she's getting too long for her bassinet. I measured her today and she was 23"! I think she has another inch or so to go before she's simply too long for the bassinet and has to use her crib, which is in her own room. I'm really not ready to keep her so far away from me yet. I know I'll be up all night listening for her, and worrying about what might happen in her room without me there.

I know I need to let go eventually, but why is parenthood so damn hard????

It happened.

So everything I prophesied about the gnome getting hungry during breakfast yesterday came true. No sooner did my meal arrive but I was out in the car nursing her. Fabulous. Then we went to dinner last night and the screaming started again. I tried nursing her (on the floor of the handicapped stall, natch) and she'd alternately drink and scream. I guess the tears weren't from hunger... I still don't know what was wrong, but it does seem to happen whenever there's company... I think she senses my stress level and acts accordingly. Anyways, the restaurant drama was terrible. My husband sent my MIL into the ladies room to look for me, and she told me she was there but then I thought she left, and for fifteen minutes I stayed with the gnome, feeding her and then dancing with her until she slept. and as I'm about to finally leave, my MIL is suddenly there saying "I'll take the diaper bag." Good timing, right?


Then we get out of the bathroom (me trailed by the MIL) and my husband ambushes his mother about where the hell she'd been for 20 minutes. Um, 20 minutes? She was there THE WHOLE TIME and I didn't know it. I mean, who knows what I said in my tear filled frustration. I was very quiet, but I believe pleas for help were issued to both gods and dead relatives... Oy. I thought after she finished talking to me, she left the room and came back, but she was there all along being quiet as a mouse...

Anyway my husband was FURIOUS that she didn't come back out and tell him what was going on, and he thought I knew she was in there and just didn't have the sense to send her out to check in with him. I don't know... His parents turn him into a different person sometimes. He loves them, but they make him a little jumpy. I guess a lot of peoples parents do that, though (or in my case, my grandmother). But he wasn't mad at me, and he apologized after we left the restaurant.

Everything went okay, I suppose. I think my MIL is really excited to be a grandmother, so sometimes she lets that get in the way of her better judgment, like when the baby is crying for food and she wants her to stay for one more kiss or to try playing on the play mat and maybe that will make her feel better. She also wanted me to keep putting different outfits on her, which gnome hates, but we obliged a few times to keep the peace. I know I should have refused, but the gnome was agreeable most times, so I just played along. They want to come back this winter, so hopefully by then gnomer will be feeling better and be more game for dress-up and all of that.

I will say, though, it was really hard at times. It's still hard for me to hand my child off to others for long periods of time, and its really hard for me to ride in the car and not be the one sitting with her in the back seat. I can now definitely say that I know how those mother tigers feel when they kill people for getting too close to their cubs. I wish it weren't so, but it is. I'm just not ready to let her go yet!

Vicious Cycles.

Never are the inconvenient patterns of nursing ever so apparent as when there are guests. I shouldn't even "blame" it on nursing, really, but this is how it goes.

-I need to eat to make milk
-I need to feed the baby every 3 hours
-If I don't eat between those hours, I don't have enough milk for the baby.

The problem with guests is that they don't understand this, so for example, this morning, everyone was up before me, but decided to take their time getting dressed and showered. Most days I don't get a shower because I have too much work and getting the gnome ready takes up any free time I have. (This is partly what caused the cyst, but I digress). So what happened is, the guests decided to wait until AFTER I finally got ready to get ready, and before they even started were like "lets go to breakfast!"

I love going to breakfast. Unfortunately, though, and hour had already passed and so now its less than two before the gnome needs to eat and we have 3 people needing showers. Meanwhile i've been ready to go for 30 minutes, and I'm starving. So if we wait much longer not only can't we go because the gnome will be hungry, but I'm starving and probably have no milk whatsoever to give her. I hate to be a bitch about it, but it's really not fair.

Yesterday we went out and my MIL made the comment that since I'm not pregnant anymore, the fact that I'm hungry isn't as big of a deal, because I "can wait." In theory, yes... But it just shows how little people "get" breastfeeding. Milk doesn't just magically appear. As much as my grandmother drove me crazy during her visit, she had a point. When you're nursing you need nutrition- you need food to create milk, and the healthier the food the better. So now I have about 90 minutes before gnome wakes up screaming for food, and we still have one shower to go before everyone is ready. Then watch- I'll have to put the gnome (who is now sleeping peacefully in her bassinet) into the carseat and everyone will huff and puff at me for being so slow. WTF?

Yesterday had its own challenges. The gnome has been hungrier than usual. It's weird how she goes in cycles. For a few weeks now she's barely wanted any food, and yesterday she got fed three times in as many hours because she was literally screaming for more. It's scary. I guess she must be in a growth spurt. We took her to the flea market yesterday and while she was there she got hungry. I didn't want to do it, but i packed formula just in case, and i tried giving it to her there but she flat out refused it. I tried it again and again, and nothing. She will NOT drink that stuff anymore, which i guess is flattering. But we ended up at a baby store across the street from the flea market and used their nursing room so I could feed her in some semblance of privacy. They also had scales there, so we weighed her- she was 13.13. I guess that's big. Explains why her diapers are too small, but I still think it seems low. She gained 3 pounds in a bit over a month, though, so that's probably good. But I would hope she was closer to 15 pounds by now, but I guess since she was eating so little before...

Usually in the mornings I'm so full she only needs one side before she's done eating, but this morning I gave her both sides and she didn't stop me. Hopefully she'll be satisfied a bit longer today, if I can generate enough milk by then. It's now 9:26 and she's going to want food at 11... We're waiting on my husband, who knows all of this. It's not his fault, and if he doesn't think we can make it he'll say something before we go, but at this point I'm so hungry I'm going insane. I am one of those people who wakes up starving and *has* to eat, or all hell breaks loose. I am more of a morning person, just as the gnome seems to be. Lucky me! She's as cranky at night as I am, which is more than anyone deserves! My poor husband. If he weren't taking so long right now I'd feel bad for him...

New Stuff

As predicted, my entries are getting fewer by the day. I have the day off today, though, so I figured I'd try to get caught up while I wait for my in laws to return from the store (yup, they're here). So a few things have been happening this week. First, my cyst returned. I had it when I was pregnant and a year or so before that. This time its FAR worse, but last night in my sleep it burst and I woke up soaked in blood- and i do mean SOAKED. So it feels a lot better, but the bleeding continues. It's horrible. It's never burst before- just sort of decreased and disappeared, so this has been quite an interesting day. I just want it to die already. Ugh. I am taking antibiotics already for it, so hopefully it will finish draining and just heal and let me have my life back. I had to stop working early yesterday because the pain was so horrible, and I felt even worse letting down my team. This thing is quite the menace.

Last night the in-laws arrived. They were happy to see the gnome, and they held her as soon as they arrived, but she was hysterical until her mommy took her back. It was so sweet. I felt good. It didn't last long, though, because later that night, we went to dinner (I got to sit on a fun hemorrhoid donut *in public* for the cyst) and as the meal was coming to a close the gnome woke up and started SCREAMING like never before. Well, she did scream like that when she got her shots. So long story short, my husband and I had to run out of the restaurant with her and i had to nurse her in the back seat of the car. Thank god for nursing covers! At that point, though, I didn't give a rats behind who saw me, I was just so desperate to get her to stop screaming. When I thought she finished, she looked at the leaves above the car moving in the breeze. She does the same thing at home. I think she'll be a botanist or something.. Anyways, no sooner did I get her back into the car seat so we could go home (she hates it) she starts SCREAMING again, this time all the way home. All ten minutes of the ride was screams and tears. I felt horrible, and i got her out of the seat the second the car stopped in the carport, and just carried her into the house and fed her some more. Then she was fine, and she slept, well, like a baby.

She is doing better today- lots of smiles for the grandparents and parents, but I'm wary of taking her anywhere in that carseat. The weird thing was, when she "started" last night it was just barely time to feed her. By the time we got home and fed her from the other side, she was all of 12 minutes late eating, but she'd already eaten. I think at night she just gets cranky, so if things don't go "just so" there's no appeasing her until circumstances are ideal.

She also has a bit of a rash in her neck fold, which is probably from spitup I've missed. Who knew babies had so many folds, and it was so hard to clean them? She also gets lint in her fingers, toes and leg rolls! I never knew! She also has a minor diaper rash, too, but I doubt she even notices either rash. Between my cyst and her rashes, we're quite a pair.

OT: Global Warming

I just bought some stuff on Etsy and the woman who sold it to me has a blog link on her site. I decided to check it out, because you can meet the most interesting people on etsy. According to her blog profile, this woman, while perfectly sweet and nice, does not "believe in" global warming! How do you not believe in it? It's not like the tooth fairy! It's real! There's proof! Even the President has acknowledged it, and you know that when *even* the dumbest segment of our society knows something is true, well, it's pretty much law.

Do you know how the whole global warming denial movement began? It was started by the tobacco companies- I'm serious. They were looking for a way to take the heat off of smoking, so they created a fake think-tank and made up fake experts and started publishing reports about how global warming isn't real. It could have been any issue- the killer bees are coming, breast cancer is caused by deodorant, dogs cause blindness- anything- but they chose instead to pretend global warming was a myth. Well, they did a GREAT job, because now TONS of people believe this to be a fact. Unfortunately for the tobacco guys, almost everyone on earth knows smoking is awful, so it only really did half the trick. But what bothers me is that even though the fact that they made up the lie about global warming is no longer a secret, people still don't believe global warming is real. It's real! How many times do we have to say it??? What do we have to do to make people understand??? If reading the news still doesn't hammer it home, I guess there's no point trying. The point is, we are DESTROYING the world as we know it. If people aren't going to do anything to stop global warming, the least they can do is acknowledge they're contributing to it.

Ugh. It just makes me crazy! It's like trying to get someone to switch political parties. Impossible!

I have a feeling...

... That these posts are going to get fewer and far-between in the coming months. I'm just so busy!

So what's been happening:

Well, the gnome has been having really bad gas again this week. I have come to the conclusion its from the walnuts I've been eating, and the last time she got it it was from the peanut butter. Nuts are the only things that the two instances have in common. Anyway, it got so bad one night that she woke up with an ear full of blood from scratching and pulling at her ear in frustration all night. It was horrible, but she hasn't done it since, and her ear is healing nicely. you can only see one tiny scab now- i think the rest is inside her ear so you can't really see it. The gas is still here- last night was particularly terrible, and I wish I knew how to make it stop. Mylicon does nothing, or so it seems. I did spend about an hour just massaging her tummy, which she seemed to enjoy.

She did give us quite a scare yesterday. She was sleeping in her swing and I went to wake her for her feeding, and I had to practically yell to get her to wake up. I said her name three times without a twitch, and she felt cool to the touch. I was terrified she had died in her sleep, but she finally squirmed a bit and outstretched her arms (its so weird to me that babies are born knowing how to stretch!). My husband had this look of terror on his face that didn't go away for an hour after that. It's scary.

A cute thing happened, too. I was sitting on the couch with her on my lap, and I was eating yogurt, and I just happened to look down at her, sure she was looking at my husband or the tv, and lo and behold, she was actually looking, head tipped back, up at me, with these huge blue eyes, just watching me eat my yogurt. It was so cute.

She has been getting along great with the dogs, too. She'll stare at them and suddenly smile. It's very cute. Speaking of smiling, sometimes she'll catch me smiling at her when she's nursing, and she smiles back while she's latched and then sort of blush and turn away. Its so adorable. She's shy!

Last night I couldn't fall asleep and just lay awake thinking about how much I love her, and I had to fight the urge to get her out of the bassinet and hold her. I'm completely smitten! I guess you never really know when it happens, but it's not just that she's "mine" or that I'm attached to her because I created her, I truly, genuinely love her so much, separate of the fact that I created her and that she's my offspring.

Hello!

Sorry its been so long. Work is definitely keeping me busy, but that's a good thing!

So what's new...

Well all the mom's and babies from the childbirth class I attended finally met up! We had only seen pictures of eachother's little ones, so it was nice to see each of them in person. It was even better for me to in a sense "compare" babies with everyone else, so I could see how gnomette sizes up. Surprisingly (and I'm not sure *why* it surprises me) she was perfectly average! Some babies were fatter, some skinnier, and some were even about her size! She's completely normal! Good to know- very reassuring.

I also went to the dentist this week. Ugh.

Right now gnomie is sleeping on her boppy on my lap and snorrrrrrrrrring away. She's so funny.

Good News/ Weird News

Well she did it! Tonight no sooner had I placed the gnome down for tummy time, she was lying on her back with what I swear was a smug look of satisfaction that seemed to be saying "take that, tummy time!" She just rolled right over like a little slinky! It wasn't a full circle yet, but she keeps doing it every time I put her back on her tummy!!!

Now for the not so good. I have recently begun to notice sometimes when her hand is behind her head she is pulling on her own hair. I'm afraid she's going to rip it all out or hurt herself. All references I've seen to hair pulling in babies online is either pulling other peoples hair (which she also does but I don't care about) and hair pulling in toddlers, which doesn't help. Gnomette will only be 12 weeks this week.

Getting There.

The gnome's progress in regards to tummy time is astounding! After not really playing on her tummy much this week, she had two sucessful tummy times last night and this morning. She is now all of a (the?) sudden able to hold herself up on her arms and her head up straight, facing outward!!! I for one am amazed- I thought it would never happen!

As if that weren't cool enough, she has also started to push to the side and can lie on her side. She is thisclose to being able to roll from her upright tummy position to her back. I am going to make sure she has tummy time daily now so she can get the rolling down, asap. I don't want to push her, but I do want her to develop on schedule! Thankfully now that she can hold herself up, tummy time has received a much warmer reception, too!

In other growth news, I am proud to say the gnome has outgrown all her 0-3 stuff, and is now able to wear all the supercute size 3-6 clothing waiting in her closet, including the dresses her mommy bought her from gymboree (they were on clearance, with coupons, gift cards and on ebay, 'cuz mommy isn't made of money, you know...). Today she is wearing the cutest coral-colored dress w/ butterfly and flower embroidery. Yesterday she wore a yellow dress with tiny bees! I am even bidding on another 3 gymboree dresses, including one from the "girl dtective" line that is sooooo cute.

Tag!

Nissa tagged me, so... Here's how it works

1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

A. I hate most words with the "oo" sound.

B. I am fascinated with the inner ear.

C. I still have weekly nightmares that I am failing Hebrew

D. I once annoyed my mom's a-hole boyfriend so much he left her and moved back to MN.

E. I never told my MIL that my then 6 month old puppy peed on her decorative bed pillows.

D. My husband and I call eachother horrible, horrible names as terms of endearment.

That's what I *can* tell you- at least on here... Since this blog has a whole 2 readers that I know of, Sarah you're "it" again.

Comfortable.

So the other day when my in-laws called, my MIL also mentioned something that I didn't give much thought to at the time. I was telling her about how the gnome has been sleeping through the night, and she asked me, "Is she still sleeping in the bedroom with you?" and I answered yes, and she replied "Well you need to start putting her in her crib now- she's ready."

Okay, so, I was kind of annoyed, but its okay, because I don't really care what anyone else thinks. The gnome doesn't sleep in our bed- she has a bassinet, which wasn't cheap, and I feel as though I should get my money's worth out of it, because her crib will turn into a twin bed eventually. Anyways, it holds babies up to 20 pounds, which the gnome is nowhere near, so she's fine in it, and even though she's been sleeping through the night, she sometimes wakes up and fusses and its easier to reach over and help her than having to get out of bed and find her. Also, when she starts teething she will likely start waking up again,, I'm told, so this is by no means a permanent thing.

Co-dependence day.

I am having a rare moment of insane frustration right now. I got up at 8, fed the baby, bathed her, showered (not the hair and in less than three minutes), spent some time with my husband taking care of his "needs", and now it is almost 11 and I've had no time to actually eat breakfast. I am one of those people who wakes up ravenous and MUST eat immediately or things go south pretty quickly. My husband promised we'd go to breakfast since I'm out of cereal anyways, and per his usual MO, he took his sweet f'ing time getting ready, and now the baby will need to eat in twenty minutes, which means we don't have time for breakfast or to go to the store and get more cereal. As a result, I will get breakfast around NOON.

NOON.

I blame my husband for this and quite honestly I want to punch him right now. To make matters worse, I've had no food, and am really wondering how exactly my body is going to produce any milk since I haven't eaten since about 6pm last night. So the baby probably won't be satisfied anyways, and will need to eat for a full hour. Great. Great, great, great. I asked him if I should go to the store and get the cereal myself, but he said we could go out, so I stayed in.

Men!

Two steps forward, two steps back.

Developmentally speaking, the gnome is ahead of the game in some areas, and noticeably behind in others. I'm sure they're all my fault, but now I'm beginning to panic a little. For instance, the whole "tummy time" thing is not really her forte. She fusses and cries whenever I put her on her belly, so she doesn't really go on it for very long. This has naturally set her back in the whole 'holding her head up on its own' department. She is doing okay sitting up when I prop her up in my arms and her head seems pretty sturdy then, but a woman from my childbirth class circulated a picture of her baby pushing herself up with her arms, and she's only about two weeks older than the gnome! Damn it! I guess I have to do more tummy time with her or something. What have I done?? I know you're not supposed to "compare" your child's progress to another, but how can you not?

On the flip side, for the past three nights the gnome has only gotten up ONCE each evening! ONCE! Last night she slept from about 10 pm to 5 am, and that was the only time she got up! Of course, I should be rejoicing, but part of me is worried that she's not going to get enough food now.

Why is parenting so hard???? Gah!

In other horrible news, my husband's company is having some financial difficulties (seems no one is buying their software at the moment) and they're talking layoffs. Since he just took this job when he was laid off in December, he'd probably be on the short-list of the first employees to go. Great. It was scary enough when I was pregnant- but no money and an infant? Not good. I guess I'll have to get WIC or something, or go back to work full time and he could watch the gnome. We'd be homeless, but at least I'd have trustworthy childcare. Okay, I am not going to stress out about this. I am not, I am not, I am not. Think happy thoughts! Yeah, I'll think about babies, white wine and puppies. The finer things in life.

The cutest thing!

Last night the whole family (dogs included) was lying on the bed just hanging out. I was lying with my back inclined and knees up, and had "miss-gnomer" sitting on my belly with her back inclined along my legs. She was sitting propped up, staring right at me, when suddenly she started smiling. As if that weren't cute enough, suddenly, out of nowhere she squealed with delight while she was still smiling!!! She only just started the squealing this past week, but to see it along with a smile AND directed at me was just too much cuteness to handle! And too prove it wasn't just a fluke, she did it two more times all in plain site of my husband.

It's those kind of moments that make my life in general completely worthwhile.

Why the gnome needed a bath.

So I took a picture of the gnome in her bunny towel (it has ears!) and sent it to my mom. She replied back "Looks like she had another bath!" and I was like, 'uh, yeah...'

There's a reason the gnome needed that particular bath. It all started when the gnome got fussy one morning last week and would not go back to sleep on her own. I had to get her out of the bassinet and keep her in the bed with me in order for her to settle down. I was snuggled up with her head against my cheek, and all was going well, but I guess I slept with my mouth open, because -oops- I drooled a little in her hair.

I explained this to my mom, who told my (good) grandmother and they both thought it was the funniest story ever. I guess it's pretty funny. I hope the gnome thinks so some day. I couldn't help it. She has a soft little head and she smells so good, and I just wanted to cuddle with her... I didn't mean to drool on her. Poor little strawberry. Good thing she's washable.

Weird...

It still really hasn't hit me that I'm a mother. Most of the time I feel like the gnome is just this cute baby someone forgot here but will eventually remember and come back for. At best she is on loan, a lifelike doll, or part of a dream.

Maybe its my subconscious trying to tell me that she is a little person and thus not really "mine" but her own, or maybe that she won't be tiny and helpless forever- someday she'll grow up and feed herself, bathe herself, and leave me behind as she ventures out into the world.

In other news...

I am wondering what's up with the boppy pillow. You can buy all sorts of replacement covers for it, but none of them are waterproof. Mine is constantly soaked with milk drips and spit-up, so when when I wash the cover the pillow is still dirty. You can wash the pillow, but it takes so long to dry. What up, boppy?

I take it back. all of it,

My grandmother asked me to email her with the gnomes weight after the doctors appointment, because we were trying to guess what it might be. So I send her an email and she writes back "See what happens when you eat?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I cannot TAKE it anymore!!!! Does she seriously think that SHE is the one responsible for the baby's weight gain???? Clearly she thinks I was starving the baby until she came along and saved her.

Then she says "I miss her already." We've already established that I'm chopped liver...

It just hurts. A lot. And any good that came from her visit is gone now.

The eerie calm.

Well my houseguest left today. I'm sort of sad. I wish the week had gone better, and that things hadn't bothered me so much. Things are otherwise back to normal here. The gnome (aka strawberry) had her 2 month checkup today. Wow. I'm not sure who cried more when she got her 4 (yes FOUR) shots- me or her. Nature doesn't make us protect our young and then make it easy for us to keep our composure when someone makes them hurt so much they scream until they lose their breath. Maybe it gets easier, but this time it was awful.

In happier news the gnome got even fatter and now weighs 10 pounds, 2 ounces! She's out of the danger zone and went from the 10th percentile to the 5oth! Go gnome!!!

Telephony

What is it about nursing that people don't get? My grandmother has yelled for me THREE TIMES today while I was feeding the baby that my cell is ringing. Great. I don't care. I feel bad for those who call during feedings, but I owe it to my daughter to at very least not talk on the friggin phone while I'm feeding her. Whatever it is, it can wait. I just don't get why she needs to call it to my attention and stress me out every time it happens.

Just. Be. Quiet.

One more day... One more day... Actually less than that. I am sort of sad she's going (yeah, I'm nuts).

Speaking of the phone ringing...

Make it stop!!!

My grandmother is being slightly more annoying today than she was yesterday, but mostly in her descriptions of baby gas and bowel movements. Do I really need to hear the descriptions? Okay, fine, my baby farts a lot. Well, if she hadn't made me feed her that stupid formula... But the thing that drives me mad is how she'll say stuff like "Oh, that was a juicy one." Dude STF up. Vomit.

Then, she'll say "I think she just took a dump."

I am seriously not white trash. I swear it. And neither is my family, which is why this crass vulgarity is so surprising to me. Good lawd. Just stop with the descriptions already. When the baby is particularly gassy she'll just keep saying "Ope- there's one" and "Ope. There's another one." Seriously, the baby is gassy- do we need to announce it every time she farts? Yeesh.

(BTW, I hate the word "fart." It is one of my least favorite words ever, and it pains me to write it, but "passing gas" or "breaking wind" is too labor intensive to write, and it sounds stupid.)

I called her on the whole vulgarity thing - she never talked like that before, and events like that and when she called that kid at best buy a "dumb shit" are surprising to me. I told her I remembered the first time I heard her swear and how my sister and I were mystified. She was like "What? Do you think your grandmother is a saint? You kids used to bother the hell out of me." Well, that just reopened a sore, because she never swore AT us, so she apparently was thinking profanities at us, which I guess doesn't surprise me. I don't know. But to answer her question, yes I DID think she was a saint- she goes to church daily and volunteers on church committees. She sews baptismal stoles. She taught CCD. She bakes blueberry muffins for the priests every week. She counts the money from the collection plate. She is FRIENDS with the priests. She is a Eucharistic minister for the elderly and disabled. Inherently bad people don't do that.

Then again there's the whole child molester priest scandal. My husband is convinced ALL priests are child molesters, which I take offense to, because the priests I knew growing up weren't like that and I loved all of them (though they've all died in the past few years).

Oh, earlier the gnome was fussy and my grandmother says "that sounds like a hungry cry." Since when are other people diagnosing her cries? And for the record, it wasn't even crying, it was minor fussing, because she had gas again. Yeesh. And can i just say, the whole 'waiting for the baby' thing is still bothering the heck out of me. I'm glad (and sad) to hear that it's not just me who's experienced that. It's like she's sitting in the car staring at the baby to mentally drink its youth like in "Hocus Pocus" or something.

Just get out of the damn car and go into the restaurant. The baby is coming too, okay? Yeesh.

Things have improved.

My grandmother is still driving me insane, but to a lesser degree. I think it's just bothering me less because the gnome is feeling better now, but that's fine by me!

The gas is mostly gone now, though it did come back a little when my grandmother kept complaining about how the gnome must be hungry still and I caved and gave her formula again. I've gotta stop doing that! Well, both 'that's'- giving her formula and caving. The formula was what gave her the gas last weekend, because it did it again. Contrary to popular myth it was nothing in MY breastmilk that did it, thank you very much, grandma. So no formula, ever again. EVER.

The gnome is back to being a happy, pain-free baby. She is still a wee bit gassy, but she isn't crying because of it- it just happens without any drama and that's the end of it.

So I am working on filling out her baby book, and there was a picture I'd taken of her when she first got home, sitting in her swing. I realized just now as I was looking at the picture and then up at her in her swing now just how much she's grown. It's INSANE. Her head is like, double the size it was! I can't get over it! I do know she's gained weight because she's been to the doctor and was weighed, but I had NO IDEA how much larger she looked. I guess when you start out at almost 7 pounds, 2 pounds makes a big difference. It is almost 30% of her body weight, after all. I suppose if I gained 30% of my weight in a few weeks that would be alarming, too.

Speaking of MY weight, we went to the OB for my final scar-checkup, and I was down another 10 pounds (this may have changed recently due to the homemade fudge my grandmother made). I am pretty close to my pre-baby weight, but I can't fit into most of my pre baby outfits. It's because my chest is so enormous from nursing- I guess I won't be wearing most of that stuff this summer after all. Oh well.

My inlaws are asking again about visiting at the end of August. I guess that's okay. They can't be worse than my grandmother has been this past week. I'm not saying I'm looking forward to their visit, but I'm certainly not dreading it as much as I was. Though I guess it doesn't matter who visits, I'm sufficiently bonded enough to the gnome to the point where if someone holds her for too long or refuses to give her back to me I get panicked inside, so they probably will annoy me no matter what. I have the same internal dialogue with my grandmother as I did when they were here before, that goes something like "Damn it, she's MY baby- she came from MY body- give her back!" I am just too polite to say it. Oddly enough, friends can hold her for as long as they'd like. I guess it depends on if I feel threatened by the holder, and between the in laws' comments and my grandmother's "joking" about stealing the gnome away, I get a little tense when they hold her.

It never ends.

I'm just going to post every time she insults me- how 'bout that?

Just now the baby was spitting up and fussing and my grandmother turns to me and says "maybe she's not getting enough nutrition."

Yeah, maybe that's it. I'm sure it can't be that she's being held all day in a death grip by a complete stranger who forces a pacifier into her mouth and holds it there despite her struggles to spit it out. I'm sure that's not it at all. I'm sure once again it's my f'ing fault. There was ONE DAY this week that I did not have lunch on time, but automatically that means I get no nutrition and I eat terribly. Mind you that on Saturday I had tons of fruit, vegetables, yogurt and granola, and Sunday I had a bunch of veggies, fresh melon, eggs and roasted chicken (in addition to whole grain cereal, etc.) all in plain site of her. I also drink only water and milk (no sodas, coffee, etc) AND I take my prenatal vitamins, but NOOOO- none of that matters.

ONE DAY equals no nutrition. Just like that. This from a woman who made a salad with iceberg lettuce.

I don't know why any of this surprises me. Sure things were better between us since my sister died. But I should have known the honeymoon was over when she sent me this email a few weeks ago telling me that propping the baby upright was "hurting her". I should have put the kobosh on the visit then, but I ignored my better judgment. How stupid of me. I won't make that mistake again. This will be her first and last visit. It's too painful anyways. Try as I might to forget, everything she says and does keeps bringing back the past. When I was in high school she used to call me fat to my face. That's just what a 13 year old wants to hear. Forget that she wears five sizes larger than I do and is a foot shorter. Forget that I had just lived through my second parent getting cancer AND my parents divorcing. Forget all of that. You just don't say that to people. I don't know if its my imagination or not, but I really think she's always been more critical of me than of any of her other granddaughters. My sister had it easy because she was the oldest, my mother's daughter, and had a heart condition. I was my mother's daughter, too, but I was healthy, looked like my dad, and always did things differently than her other granddaughters. I think I am still the only one to ever tell her off, which I did when I was 16, and made her cry in the middle of a Sears in MO. I don't really remember what i said exactly- I just remember she had driven up to see my sister and me, but we lived with different parents, so we had to go 30 miles away to get my sister, and my dad's house was too small and dirty to host anyone, so we went to St. Louis to go to eat, and when the check came my grandmother was PISSED that we didn't have money to pay. Mind you we were both in high school at the time and had never paid for a meal in our lives. We didn't even know what a tip WAS, let alone how to calculate one. So she paid, but she kept ragging on us about it for the rest of the trip. We went to the mall after that, and she would NOT shut up about it "I can't believe you made me pay for that." I think finally I just went ballistic and told her to shut up, but I don't really remember. I do remember that she started bawling and said she wanted to cut her visit short. In the end, she didn't, but things were tense between us for years after that.

Nice.

So remember how I said my grandmother complains every time I move the gnome when she's sleeping or wake her to nurse? Well this morning i was telling her about how the baby kept me up ALL NIGHT, SCREAMING and my grandmother snaps "Well maybe you need to make her sleep less during the day."

UH????

Damn it.

Just a little sampling...

Here's a little sampling of what's been going on around my house.

-Everywhere we go she complains about the price of things. Today it was the walnuts at Safeway. "I'd have thought that nuts would be cheaper out here since they're grown here." Well, they're not. Either way, I get it, okay? It's expensive here. Enough.

While we were at the store she decided her feet hurt and she didn't want to go in, so she says to me "you go inside I'll wait with the baby in the car." It was only about 95 degrees in the car, so I told her she was welcome to wait but I'm not leaving a newborn in a hot vehicle. She tried doing that twice at two different stores, but I shot her down both times. Before we even left she was like "oh, I'll stay home with the baby," and I said "well, the baby is coming with me," and she got really annoyed and said "but she's sleeping- why do you have to wake her?" For the record, I didn't. She sleeps just as well in the car as she does in her swing. The baby eats every 3 hours, and if she's asleep at feeding time I wake her up, and every time I do (many times while my grandmother is holding her) my grandmother complains "but she's sleeping." I have told her six THOUSAND times that I need to feed her every three hours no matter what, or she won't gain any weight, but every single time the old lady complains about it.

We went to Best Buy and she went back inside to return the cart. On the way out, the guy guarding the door says to her "did you find everything alright?" and she snaps at him "I was returning the carriage- for the baby." And she comes out and says to me (about the guy) "what a dumb shit. He saw me return that cart." Um... What the hell??? Why she couldn't just politely say "yes" to the security guy and let it go is beyond me. Everything has to be blown epically out of proportion. The poor guy was just doing his job, and he probably doesn't remember every single person walking through the door- even if they were just there two seconds ago.

Yesterday we were walking outside and I had the sunshade on the stroller, and i went to peel it back when we got in some shade and it sort of snapped forward by accident (it's light and made of spandex with a thin metal wire frame that bends) and she says to the baby "If your mother hurts you I'm going to take you home with me." Again, WHAT THE HELL??? First, it didn't touch the gnome, second it was an accident regardless, and third, WHAT THE HELL???

She cannot, cannot, cannot understand how to operate the tv remotes. She also cannot get the concept of syndication. When we go out she needs me to buckle her seat belt because the buckle part "moves." When the car stops she refuses to get out and instead will sit there staring at the baby until the baby is out of the car- then she'll get out. Same goes for getting IN the car - she will not get in until the baby is in. Then I have to wait five more minutes while she gets situated so I can buckle her in. Meanwhile everyone else is ready to go. Not that this would be a problem if she wasn't being mean as hell.

The other day I went to burp the baby and my grandmother snaps "pat her on the top of the back, not the bottom." Well, I didn't know that, so from then on I have, but then tonight my grandmother is burping her and patting the lower back. So really it's just me who can't do anything right- it has nothing to do with what's right or wrong. She also shoves the baby's pacifier in her mouth. If she's fussing, she'll hold it there while the poor gnome squirms and tries to get it out of her mouth- she will not let her spit it out- its like she's gagging her with it, and it enrages me. Monday was the worst of the gasiness/fussiness, and my grandmother, at one point in the evening says to me "Why can't you just give her a suppository?" Well, probably because she's a BABY and I'm not a doctor. Even if it were safe to give a newborn a suppository (it could be, I don't know, because like I said, not a doctor) I don't know how to, and I wouldn't do it unless I was shown and one was PRESCRIBED. You know, by a DOCTOR. I just get so annoyed. Its like everything she says she just acts like she's speaking on the baby's behalf and if she weren't there I'd just be killing the poor child. Like I am such a terrible mother and I have no idea what my baby likes or doesn't. The gnome through all of this has been a trouper, but I feel terrible either way. I may be a new mom, but less the two hours i spent at the eye doctor and hair salon, I've spent every waking moment for the last 7 weeks with this child- I think I can understand her better than anyone else, and I think she trusts me, too.

(speaking of this, lately I've noticed the gnome will stare at me when I'm talking and refuse to look at anyone else involved in the conversation. She also smiles for me much more often, and when she gets really upset while my grandmother is holding her, she'll calm right down as soon as I take her back)

She also keeps yelling at me and telling me I need to eat "to keep (my) nutrition up for the baby." Great, what am I? Chopped liver? It doesn't matter if MY nutrition is maintained- heavens no! I swear its like my childhood all over again.

Here's just one story. One time, when I was about 8, we went to stay with my grandmother for a week in the summer. We went to the beach, and on the way home I really, really, really had to pee. For 45 minutes I begged and pleaded for her to stop at every place we passed- gas stations, restaurants, anything, but she refused. Well, I take that back. Refusing would mean she acknowledged me, and she didn't even do that. She just ignored me for 45 minutes until we got to my uncles house and I had to pee so badly I thought my kidneys would explode. Another time she took my sister and i on a bus tour and told us "I don't want you girls laughing on the bus- people will think you're retarded."

Really? For LAUGHING? Great.

Unfortunately, I don't think she's healthy enough to make a trip out here again, so that's probably a godsend, but that's so far in the future anyways. Right now I still have six days of this that I'm stuck in the middle of and need to survive. Six more days of soap operas and game shows. Oh joy.

THe worst part of all of this is, the common denominator in the gnome's fussiness and indigestion lately has been that it all started when my grandmother arrived and my own stress levels shot through the roof. I think Sarah may be right that my stress is making things worse with gnomette, but there is no end in sight right now. and despite my many attempts at letting things slide off my back, just when I think things are better she starts in on me again. I'm sure a lot of this sounds petty, but after about five thousand little things it adds up. Not to mention this has been going on for years. YEARS.

I love her, but she is being worse than my in laws could EVER be, and it breaks my heart.

(baby) steps.

Today went SO much better in terms of how the gnome is feeling. She was a little bit gassy, but she had two dirty diapers and isn't turning red or crying! I feel so much better.

The grandma situation isn't really improving, but as long as the gnome is okay, I feel better. Mostly.

Major thanks to Nissa for being SO understanding about things. I would literally have a nervous breakdown if she weren't such a great friend.

HELL ON EARTH.

That's what my life is like right now.

First, let me just say my grandmother is not here to "help" like my mom was. She is here to see the baby, and keeps making that abundantly clear. This is problematic because I actually have to do MORE work to accommodate her. When we go out she can't buckle herself into the car so I have to do that. She can't reach things in the kitchen, she is terribly slow and slows me down when we need to go out. I love her and I hate to complain, but I was already busy before she got here, and now its like having two babies to look after.

Making this all the more worse is the fact that the gnome has had INSANE gas the past few days. She is alternately farting and screaming all day and night. It's putting me on edge, and my grandmother's helpful little comments about what's "wrong" with the baby are only serving to irritate me even more. I had this feeling she was going to be kind of mean this visit and she did not disappoint. Its almost as if she takes every opportunity she can to criticize me and my parenting. I can't take it anymore. I'm so depressed I just want to run away from my own house. I feel awful about the gnome's gas though, and i have no idea what to do about it. I have my own dr's appointment tomorrow, and i've been so busy all day today- I've had no time to call the pediatrician. Not that they were all that helpful last time she had gas.

She was really constipated this weekend and didn't poop from about 3 am Saturday to this morning, and when she did it was a TON of this foamy liquidy stuff- nothing solid. The mylicon isn't working, and she hasn't pooped again since this morning. I just don't know what's causing this. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It would be hard enough if I was alone, but now I have my grandmother judging me from over my shoulder. Today we were trying to take her picture and i was tickling her chin and she was crying (from the gas) and my grandmother says to me "Now you're just annoying her". Wtf? How does she know that??? Why would she say that? Why would she assume that's why the baby was crying? I don't think I can take another week of this. I can't get away from it. Everything i do is met with criticism, complaints... Guh.

It's just plain hell here. I don't even know what to do anymore.

Frustrations.

This week has been one of endless frustration. I'm having a bit of a quarrel with my husband about daycare issues. First of all, daycare, let me just say, is not really my favorite idea for the baby, but the day may come where I don't have a choice. The problem is, the good ones are SO expensive, and the bad ones... Well, I don't really want to entrust my child to the bad ones. A houseplant, maybe, but a human? Not so much. I found a nice one that is more than I make a week, so that's kind of pointless, but my husband could pay half and we'd be fine. Problem is, he doesn't agree and I'm not sure what's more annoying- that he'd make ME pay for it, or that I can't find anything cheaper. Well, okay, I'm sure he'd pay for half regardless, but because we'd still not actually be making any money by my working, he has deemed it worthless. I just worry that my employer's generosity will wear out eventually. That and after visiting last week I really miss the place and still do intend on returning.

The other thing annoying me, I hate to say, is my houseguest. She's just... I don't know. I love her, but its just a lot of extra work and I have so many things I'm juggling already. I'm just not really equipped for company at the moment.

I did do a good deed though. My husband is pissed @ the in laws, so he didn't get his dad anything for father's day. Problem is, the in laws get upset if you don't get them gifts, so i bought a 4 dollar onesie @ t@rget that said 'grandpa's little princess' and took the gnome's picture in it and sent him the picture this morning. He LOVED it, and was very touched by the thought, so go me! I was relieved he was okay with just that, and now I don't have to hear through the grapevine how horrible of a son my husband is, and how I should be making sure he sends gifts to his parents. They're HIS parent's, after all.

But I'M the baby!!!

My grandmother is here for 10 days. The dynamic of our relationship seems to have changed, as I am no longer a child and now a parent. I see her interacting with the gnome as if she's the grandchild and I'm no longer a kid. Of course this is all true, but it's weird. The last time I saw my grandmother was at my wedding and I was still her baby, all grown up. Now I'm not even that- its like I don't even matter. I'm not upset really, but it is a weird feeling. There was only one moment that really offended me, and that was when my grandmother told the gnome that if the gnome wasn't here my grandmother "wouldn't even bother" coming out here to see me. Ouch. Though my relationship with her has always been, uh, different...

A good few days

It's been a good few days for the gnome.

Yesterday she went with me to see all her honorary aunties and uncles at my new office. She did very well being passed around and was only slightly fussy towards the end of our visit. It was so sweet to see everyone with her, especially her Auntie Nissa, who marched her around proudly from person to person. It helps me, because I would feel like I was showing off if it were me holding her the whole time. It's a lot easier to have someone else show her off - its too much directness for me. I tend to get a little shy, even with people I know really well.

One of the best things that happened, though was Nissa's proclamation upon seeing the gnome that she had gotten fat! I was so happy to hear that, really, especially with everyone bitching at me about her being "skinny". She was never "skinny," so I take personal offense to that. But anyways, to have someone who saw her before she started eating more say that she looks fatter is a very, very good thing. This weekend at the mall my husband was carrying her in the infant seat and he says to me "What are you feeding this thing?" It was cute. Another positive reinforcement that she's getting fatter.

Then today we had a weight check at the pediatrician's office. Guess what! She gained 11 oz in 8 days! Her goal is 1 oz per day! She beat that! I'm so happy!!! She now weighs 8lbs 13 oz! They suggested we do one more weigh in next week, and said by Thursday she should weigh 9lbs 4 oz. I am certain her weight gain has to do solely with the breastfeeding. She's maybe had four bottles of formula in 8 days, so I can't credit that, nor do i want to. The doctor also said I don't even need to bother with the formula, so yay!

After the doctor's appointment I stopped by the store to get more Brita filters. While we were there we went over to the Carter's baby store, just to see what they have. They had the CUTEST white sundress, and i had been looking for a white dress for her announcement pictures, so I got it. It was 60% off! Hopefully Auntie Nissa can make it tomorrow, because I don't know how long that dress is going to fit her, as Carter's runs small and the gnome is getting fatter by the day. I also got her a five-pack of onesies for 7 dollars. She never had many of the short sleeved 0-3 onesies, and since it's been so hot i figured it was okay to buy them even though they may not fit her much longer. Besides, some days she goes through 3 0r 4 outfits, so you can never really have too many onesies.

The gnome has been doing the WEIRDEST thing ever lately. Okay, get this- sometime while she's nursing, she'll stop to scream at the top of her lungs and then continue drinking. Weird, right? I tried burping her the last time she did it and she spit up a bit, so it's probably gas, but it's so weird, because it sounds like someone is torturing her, and it never fails to get my husband to get up from the computer (a monumental task) and come investigate. It's kind of funny, actually. The other thing she does sometimes while she's nursing is fart. Like ten times in a row. Especially in the morning. I just laugh at her, but really I'm glad she does it, because sometimes she gets such bad gas she just cries and cries and nothing comes out no matter how much she strains. Thank goodness for mylicon... You should see the face she gives me when I give her the mylicon- she obviously doesn't love the taste, but she tolerates it. Babies are so funny.

Update and OT

So I figured something out about that babygap gift card. I can use it @ Old N*vy! Hurrah! Even better? ON has 0-3 month newborn hats!!! How fantastic!!! You would not believe how hard it is to find sunhats for newborns. I have two that are 0-6 months, but do you have any idea the difference in head sizes between newborns and 6 month olds? It's staggering. So I ordered the gnome a bunch of fun things- shorts, a cute toucan onesie, a little bubble dress, the hat, and I think a cardigan for when she gets bigger. Now i just need a little summer-weight cardigan for her to wear NOW (they were sold out in her current size). I can't wait for it to get here!

Also, today i figured out the whole reason for the proper latch. When I took the nursing class, nobody told me that it doesn't matter HOW you get the proper latch - the point is that the baby is not pulling on your nipple. I thought it was all about HOW she attached and it didn't matter beyond that. Well, that was until the searing pain returned today. Then I realized "oh, now I get it". So now I just have to make sure we don't have any issues in mouth placement.. So THAT'S why they discourage pacifiers and bottles... Damn. You know, all of this could have been avoided had they just told me about this BEFORE. Anyway. Now I have to figure out how to heal whilst still feeding her. Not an easy task, and now I'm getting engorged, so I had to pump, which didn't yield much because it was too painful to even pump, so i stopped at one ounce. Oy, I have made yet another mess. Patience, I guess.

Also, the OT:

So last night on the phone with my brother in law's boyfriend he was telling me about some issues he's having with the BIL and he was talking about the virtues of therapy, and he says to me:

"Remember when you guys were fighting and there almost wasn't going to be a wedding? Well I said to D*** (the FIL) "I don't know if they're even going to last long enough to have a wedding if they don't get help, let alone get a divorce". And then you got help and everything was fine- so we (he and the BIL) should be fine if we get therapy, too"

UMMM....

First of all, we were NEVER at a point where we almost didn't get married. NEVER. Where he got that from is beyond me, and that someone actually believed that irritates the hell out of me. That's one. Two, that he was talking to my (then future) FIL about the state of my relationship behind my back INFURIATES me. Okay. Here's some background. In August of 2006 my then-fiance (now husband) and I were bickering more than usual because i was bored and lonely with no real purpose or anyone to talk to. Anyways, we had a big fight and he told his dad about it (he has since stopped that) and his dad planted the seed of my neuroses and made the bs comment about how we'd end up divorced and he and my MIL would end up raising our kids (even if we did get divorced there's no way in F*** I'd ever let them raise my child). Anyways, a few months ago I told the bf of the BIL about this comment, and he didn't say anything that remotely let on that he knew about it already. Here I thought MY business was just that: MY business. Now I'm just pissed at the whole f'ing family. I cannot tell ANYONE ANYTHING ANYMORE. That's it. I'm done with the lot of them. I can't believe they were discussing me and my relationship with my husband behind our backs. I'm just over it.

Father's day is Sunday, and my husband has declined to get anything for his dad. I know we're going to get major crap for this from the in laws- they're going to go ballistic, but my husband insists he doesn't care. I think he will after Sunday, and i cautioned him about it, but he got all cranky with me, and i can only deal with one cranky person at a time, and i choose the newborn, since she can't help it. So i let it slide with my husband, and now I sort of don't regret it, because once again I'm pissed off at my FIL. I asked my husband why he wasn't buying his dad anything and he said "Every year I spend a ton of money on him and this year what does he get me? A mug". (The FIL bought him a photo mug for his first father's day- last year he bought the FIL those really expensive mailorder steaks). He's also jealous b/c his little brother has gotten a new laptop and top of the line desktop two years in a row for no reason, and they only get my husband birthday gifts. Last birthday he got three books. I'm not getting involved, but that's the reasoning. I have my own nutty family to worry about. Like my dad, who I will have to write about some other time because it would take too long to tell everything and I'm tired. Lets just say he has a minor ego problem and is having issues with the ladies...

Baby Stores

So I have all these gift cards for baby g*p, and I went there today to see what they have.

ARE THEY MAD????

The prices for baby clothes are INSANE. I was appalled. There was a dress on clearance for 18.99 that I wanted to use for the gnome's announcement pictures. Did you get that? ON CLEARANCE. I didn't get it, because I thought it irrational to pay that much for a dress for a newborn when I had just bought a dress at Forever 21 for myself for 11.50- and it wasn't even on sale! All it would take is one diaper mishap and its ruined forever. And seriously- for a dress that she'd only wear a few times, uh, not so much.

Speaking of diaper mishaps, the gnome has a new game. No matter how long or short I wait after she's done eating to change her diaper, she always sneak attacks me and does both 1 and 2 all over the changing table. Even if she already went in the diaper. Even if i heard it happen. She hates being changed so much, its like a squid spraying ink. Oh silly gnome. I try to tell her I'm not just going to stop changing her, but she doesn't seem to care.

Things seem better.

Thursday night me and my husband had a little chat about the breastfeeding, and he agreed that calling the lactation consultant would be a good idea. I figured it would take a few days to get an appointment, but surprisingly she agreed to meet me Friday.

After missing her appointment and rescheduling for later that night, the consultant finally showed up at about 6:45 pm Friday night. She was really nice and very helpful, and she taught me a lot more than I'd anticipated- not about latches or technique, but about intuition and common sense. I had been going about the breastfeeding thing all wrong, and I didn't even realize it.

First of all, the reason the gnome wasn't getting all that much milk when I first breastfed her (or, I guess when I "last" breastfed her) was because I was watching the clock and stopping her because I was impatient and so sure she must have gotten her fill. That was wrong of me, but I honestly thought it should take her the same amount of time to nurse as it does to drink from the bottle, and every doctor I'd spoken to told me that babies should nurse from 20-30 minutes each time. So after 20-30 minutes I was sure she was done and would stop her. Of course she wasn't getting enough milk! She doesn't always drink the whole time, so that number is inaccurate or at best unclear.

I also learned that modern (western) medicine is too restricting on mothers at times. Not every baby will fit within some standard chart guidelines that all babies are supposed to measure up to. Since the consultant left on Friday I have nursed exclusively. Most feedings take nearly an hour- others take over an hour. I have not rushed her- I know to give her plenty of time, and just let her eat at her own pace.

In terms of her weight, just because she's not gaining at the same rate as other babies, doesn't mean she isn't healthy. Every baby is different, and as long as she's eating at her own pace and is satisfied, then her weight gain shouldn't matter. Also, my supply will be fine if I let her eat for as long as she wants. It's all so simple, yet it was a revelation to me at the time.

So far the nursing has been going pretty good. A little bit of discomfort, but mostly it's perfectly fine. And i even figured out how to nurse her lying in bed, which really helps at night when I'm too tired to get up. Of course, after "the incident", I only nurse her on the inside of the bed, so I can only do it half the time. Also, the consultant showed me how to use the nursing pillow to my advantage sitting on the couch, and positioning her has been SO MUCH EASIER, which makes long feedings 100 times more comfortable because I'm not straining my back anymore.

Lets hope I can keep it up. Theres a nursing support group every Tuesday that I was invited to attend, but its during the day and I do work from home, so I'm not sure if I'll go... We'll see. Overall, it was a great investment, and i'm feeling pretty confident.

Progress.

Last night i had a long talk with my husband about the nursing issues, and we've decided to call a lactation consultant. He actually emailed a woman from the list the nurse gave me yesterday, so we'll see how that works out. I'm not sure why *he* emailed her, but its okay. Just tell me where to go and when to go there and I'll do it.

The fenugreek seems to be working. I noticed a big increase this morning. I pumped at 4:30 am and then again at 8 and got 4 oz each time, which is pretty good. So far today I've given her 4 oz at each feeding and no formula whatsoever. If I can do more on my own then why bother with the fake stuff? If that's not "enough" then I don't know what is, but considering i've been taking the fenugreek for only 24 hours, maybe its not done working its magic yet and i can get up to 5 at each pumping. That should be more than enough for her- though I think 4 is fine, because at her 2pm feeding she started falling asleep before she finished and didn't really want to keep going. She's asleep now, rocking in her swing. So sweet.

I came up with some nursing questions. First, if your baby eats more as she/he gets older, do you produce more to accommodate? Does that mean your breasts get bigger and bigger? Do I need to keep buying new bras as the baby grows? Also, how much water do you need to drink between feedings? I was drinking a ton, but now I'm getting paranoid that i'm going to thin my blood and die like that lady in the radio contest from a year or so ago. Remember that Wee for a Wii contest out of Sacramento, CA?

I got another gift for her today- a cute little summer outfit in the 6-9 month size. Again, not to seem ungrateful, but she can't wear a romper in November! At least with this one I know where it's from and can try to exchange it for a smaller size. No doubt the givers will want a picture, so I will try to get the same thing. It's cute- I don't hate it- but again, it's going to go to waste, because i'm not putting a 6 month old in a summer outfit in November. And her birthday is at the END of the month, so she probably won't even fit into it until well into December. People have the fortitude to buy bigger sizes in advance- why do they not try to figure out WHEN the child might actually fit into the outfit? Drives me nuts.

Damn. Damn, damn, damn, DAMN.

Today the gnome got really fussy early on in the day, which is not common for her. I was immediately convinced it was gas, but called the pediatrician because I didn't want to start her on medicine (otc or not) without checking first, so they had me talk to an advice nurse. Harumpf.

The advice nurse asked a ton of questions, probably because she had a trainee on the line with her, and then she started taking me to task for my pumping instead of nursing deal. I can't even tell you how annoying that is. First of all, I'm calling because my baby isn't feeling good- can we deal with my apparent inadequacies as a parent later, please? Second, that has nothing to do with why I called, and third, in the immortal words of Stephanie Tanner, "HOW RUDE!"

She was all "is there any particular reason you're pumping instead of breastfeeding?" And I'm all "Yes, because i love feeling like a cow hooked up to machinery, and enjoy watching milk squirt from my body."

(No, I didn't really say that)

Actually, i told her the truth- because nursing hurts. And then i got the lecture about how i should call the lactation consultant. Well, I would, but I can't afford it right now, I say, so she prepared for me a list of affordable consultants and left it for me at the pediatricians office. Great. Thanks, I guess. I don't know. I agree with her it would probably be better for everyone involved, but its really expensive, and honestly, I feel judged, and I really would rather not have to feel worse about myself right now.

So the gnome is fine. They never figured out what it is. I suspect its still gas but the doctor (oh, the doctor) thinks the gnome is STILL not eating enough. Well what the f***? What else is new? Of COURSE it's my fault! My husband doesn't feed her at all, but of course it's not HIS fault! He's not deficient in any way. It's always ME. She gets 3 oz every 3 hrs, which is the best I can do because thats how fast I can produce that much. So the ped. recommended 2 things: fenugreek and supplementing with formula. F***.

I bought fenugreek on the way home and took some already. Will keep you posted on that one. The formula, though... Ooh, worse words have never been spoken, and honestly I would have said screw it and just ignored the doctor if she hadn't pointed out that not only is the gnome's weight gain slow for her age, but she should be gaining extra fat right now for her brain to develop properly, and since i don't want her to be stupid, I really feel as though I don't have much of a choice. Of course, we are only SUPPLEMENTING, and its ONLY until the fenugreek kicks in and i can maybe give her four oz a feeding or so, but anyways. So at her lunch feeding she got 3 oz of breastmilk and 2 oz of formula, and can i just say, the look she gave me when I gave her the formula... Good grief! If looks could kill. She can definitely tell the difference, and not in a good way. Poor kid. I feel horrible. I've failed her yet again. But she did drink it- albeit very, very slowly, and with that look on her face that could only mean "what the HELL are you feeding me, Mom?" I probably won't feed it to her at every meal. Maybe every other. Or less. I'm really tempted to just not give it to her at all, but if I can't feed her enough on my own...

Once I get paid I promise I'll go to the lactation consultant, okay? Argh. Nothing quite like inviting a stranger into your home to critique how you're using your breasts. Really, I can't wait. Oh good, an email from the MIL just came in! I ought to buy a lotto ticket today!

Will this day not end???

Today has been HORRIFIC. Okay, I know babies cry, but good LAWD the gnome has been INSANE today. She started at about 12ish, and is STILL being fussy now, EIGHT HOURS later. I am terrified about what the night will bring. I'm hoping since she really hasn't slept all day she'll be worn out and sleep well tonight, but I think that's probably asking too much.

At one point she was SCREAMING at the top of her lungs for like, fifteen minutes. NON STOP. She had no fever, she has been eating fine, her diapers have been filled at regular increments, and she has been burped after every meal and spit up accordingly. Interestingly enough, yesterday one of my parenting magazines addressed just this very thing (which has been going on for about two weeks now, every day roughly between 1-4 pm) and called it somewhat of a baby "witching hour" that many babies just lose their composure during and cannot be consoled. Weird. They also say it should end relatively quickly, maybe in a few weeks, but I'm praying it ends sooner than that. Please please PLEASE let it end sooner than that. I thought it was bad Friday when I called Nissa and burst into tears after four hours of crying. Little did I know... I was so young then...

My other news is that I bought a new pump today- the "pump in style," which I must say is a HUGE upgrade from the "swing" model. It's a double, so I cut my time in half right there. Then I cut it further because the pump in style is way more powerful and takes at least half the time the swing took and actually pumps out more milk! Heck, it's almost a pleasure to use ("almost" because it's still a breast pump). I also ordered one of those pump-bras that allows you to pump hands free, so I can sit here and work and pump at the same time! Life just got 99% easier.

Now I just have to remember to drink the water regularly instead of all at once when I realize I've forgotten to drink it for two hours.

Also, I saw something on one of the federal health websites about "pumping exclusively," which made me feel a bit validated and less weird. I was actually looking up how bad it would really be to quit breastfeeding entirely, but between that and what I read about the benefits of breastmilk, I'm going to try to stick it out for the long haul. I WANT to breastfeed- it was easier while it worked, but pumping is the next best thing, so I'm fine with that. And now with the new fancy pump, it will be a lot easier.

Ooh! The gnome is sleeping. For NOW. She's due to eat in 30, so...

Irritations.

Today we had to run to the bed & bath store because the razor I bought for my husband wasn't keeping its charge and he needed to exchange it. When we were there this woman and her granddaughter saw the gnome and were commenting on how cute she is. As we were leaving, the granddaughter, who was probably about 13, saw the gnome spit up, and said "Oh, she just barfed."

I have honestly not wanted to punch anyone so hard in months. I realize the girl was still a kid, but come ON! Can't her parents teach her a less vile way to say "threw up"? Hey! I know! How about "threw up!" Not that she even DID throw up- that's beside the point.

Maybe I should just stay home from now on...

The pumping/attempting to restore my milk supply is going okay. I'm really actually worried about it. I'm just not 'there' yet, despite my best efforts, and I'm afraid I never will be. Not that supplementing with formula would be the worst thing on earth, but it kind of would be. I just feel really guilty and ashamed, which is hampering my willingness to reach out for help. I'd rather just deal with it privately and not look as bad as I feel, you know? I mean, what if my MIL found out??? I'd be devastated.

Mommy is definitely still bollocks.

So the gnome had her 1 month checkup. She's doing okay, though the doctor said she looks skinny and she should look fatter. Great. Here I thought I was doing well with feedings, and turns out I'm what? Malnourishing her? She doesn't look particularly skinny too me. Who'd have thunk MY kid would be on the slender side? Weird.

The nursing has been hurting a lot the past day or so. I realize its only been 6 days, but I'm done. That is, if I can get my milk supply back up enough to pump. I don't think she's getting enough from nursing, and apparently I need to up her to at least three ounces if I pump, so either way she needs to eat more. Whether or not i can provide more either way is beyond me. I'm really worried I've fucked things up permanently. I don't want to have to supplement with formula- I'd hate to have to do that. I wonder if you can increase your milk supply after six days. I guess only time will tell. Even despite the pain of nursing I'd be willing to stick it out if i thought it would do any good, but honestly, I'm more concerned my child isn't getting enough food than I am about sore nipples. And trust me, they are SORE.

Otherwise the gnome is doing okay. She did get her second dose of the hep-b vaccine and did she ever scream, but she stopped shortly afterwards and once I held her in my arms she was fine. Poor little thing. Such a terrible thing to get on your one-month birthday. Next month will be worse, as she needs FOUR vaccines at once. I'm dreading it.

Tummy Time

Last night I finally had a free minute to read ahead in "What to Expect The First Year." Fittingly so, because yesterday was the gnome's 4-week birthday, so she's now in 'month 1' or maybe she will be tomorrow on her official one-month birthday. Either way, I had no idea what was in store, so I'm glad I got to catch up.

One of the many discoveries I made (besides that the poor thing has cradle cap, though granted it's a very mild case and just looks like dandruff (see the post entitled "molting")) is that the gnome should be starting "tummy time." I'm glad the book said this, because I googled tummy time a few weeks ago and the only reference I found to it said it starts at 3-4 months, not weeks. The chapter in WTETFY said by the end of this month the gnome should be able to hold her head up on her own whilst lying on her tummy, so I tried her first tummy time last night and guess what? She can already lift her head. Granted, it's for maybe two seconds at a time, and she spent the entire tummy time frogging around trying to get away, but I was so happy I nearly cried. She can also hold her head up when she's being held upright for burping. She doesn't have the best control of her neck by any means, but she gives it a good try every time. The book also said that it wasn't my imagination- she should be able to return a smile, which she's been doing! I don't care if she's advanced or ahead of the pack, but as long as she's average or reaching her milestones on time, I'm happy! I feel vindicated- like maybe, just maybe, I'm not doing everything wrong.

On the family front, my MIL sent an email today asking if they can come back to visit in July. I just forwarded it to my husband with the word "JULY????" I'm sorry, but that's way too soon. No more parents until at least August. If we're going to figure out this parenting thing for ourselves we need TIME to do it.

Molting

The gnome is molting. Yes, molting. All the skin on her head seems to be peeling off at once. She doesn't have sunburn, it's just flaking off. It was fine until her bath last night. I scrubbed as hard as I could without hurting her (the doctor said I should to avoid cradle cap) but now she just has flaky skin all over. Poor gnome. I don't know how to treat it, because a lot of it is on her forehead, and I don't want to get lotion in her eyes.

In other news, I think she's growing up on me! She's getting to the stage where she's looking at things for long periods of time, and reacting to my voice when I speak to her. Before she would hear but not care, and now if i talk to her in a baby-voice when she's getting fussy, she'll calm down and give me what seems like a smile. Of course, she's 4 weeks old, so it's probably not a smile, but I like to tell myself that it is!

Bizarre Rejection

As the gnome gets older it becomes more and more obvious she is a perfect female miniature of her father. I call her his mini-me. It's all good and cute, until someone gets hurt... This morning my husbands grandparents emailed me. He hates his grandfather, so they won't email HIM, but anyways, they mentioned that the gnome looks just like my husband did as a baby. It's one thing to know it and tell yourself something, but to have others say it... Well, it's a bizarre sort of rejection I'm not sure I know how to deal with yet. You see, I spent my entire life being told I look nothing like my own mother and exactly like my dad. Maybe if my mom hadn't died I wouldn't be so upset by this, but by virtue of the fact that she did, it really hurts my feelings to be told I look "nothing like" her or even just to be told I look like my dad and glaringly omitting any mention of my mother.

The thing is with the gnome, it's not like i consider myself any great beauty, but I think every parent, no matter how ugly, wants to see a little of him or herself in their child. Sometimes I think I see it in the gnome, but I can't be sure. I guess only time will tell. I think she has my stern eyebrows and maybe my lips. I notice she looks more like me when she's brooding (which I also do quite frequently). It's just weird, this whole thing. I've gone from not looking like my mom to not looking like my daughter. For the record, I do think I look like my mom- our faces are shaped the same and I have her mouth and cheekbones. It may not be as obvious as the eyes, but it's there for those who care to look. Problem is, nobody ever does.

In other news, things are going well with the gnome. She hasn't had any issues since "the incident" and seems perfectly happy. I do have some more parenting issues I have to confess to, though. First, I have to admit to being far too reliant on a pacifier. The nurse gave her one in the hospital and she's been in love ever since. Granted not with the same one, since the younger of my two dogs scoops them off the floor as fast as the gnome can throw them and then destroys them, but there's this one style from Nuby called "paci-pals" that she likes. The problem is, I read in 'what to expect' that pacifiers aren't necessarily the best habit to start, but then I've read that giving them at bedtime can help reduce SIDS. I have resolved to only give it to her when she is having a major meltdown. For now I'm trying to let her rely on her fingers and not take the "easy way" out and just plug in a paci every time the tears start. I anticipate an increase in headaches...

The other thing I've been doing makes me feel even more guilty. I haven't been breastfeeding her. I have been feeding her breast milk, but I've been pumping it almost exclusively since the day we left the hospital. She wasn't getting a great latch, and then she'd have a meltdown and get frantic because she couldn't get enough milk, so I just decided that pumping and feeding her a bottle would be easier. I'm half-assing my child's nutrition. Aren't I great? Well no more! You see, a week or two ago I decided to just try breastfeeding and she got it very easily- it literally took three seconds to get a latch and she stayed on for nearly 20 minutes. This was between meals, though, so she wasn't too hungry anyways. But last night, my guilt got the better of me, and i decided to do a little experiment. I decided to nurse exclusively throughout the night, and just see what happened. I have about 8 ounces of pumped milk in the fridge, so if worse came to worst, I could just heat up a bottle for her, but luckily it wasn't needed. She nursed at 8, 12, 3, and then 8 am (she slept that long and woke me- I was not awake to not feed her)- all successfully, with no fussing or latching issues. Maybe her mouth has just gotten bigger? I don't know. They say that bottle feeding causes nipple confusion, but in my case it seems to have actually helped to teach her the right way to latch. I feel pretty good about trying exclusive breastfeeding from now on, but I'm saving that pumped milk in the freezer just in case...

Oh! And I finally figured out how to get that boppy pillow to work, too! Before she'd just slide right off it, but this morning it worked perfectly, and my back didn't have to get all weird and contorted to feed her. No more half-ass parenting for me!

Mommy is Bollocks.

I did something terrible. I dropped the gnome. I fell asleep with her on my chest and she rolled off and landed with a horrifying "thud" on the floor. Thank whatever GOD that may be out there we have carpet. I remember the thud and then a scream, and then my own screams for my husband, who I must say, rallied like a champ.

The gnome stopped screaming the second I picked her up and is fine. No bumps, bruises, lumps, cuts, etc. I touched her limbs, head and torso to see if she screamed in pain and she didn't. She landed on her side, which is better than, say, her head. She just ate and is alert and squirming in my arms per usual. We tried sleeping but she kept fussing and spitting out the paci and crying for it back.

God I suck. I am SO lucky. I am my father's daughter, apparently. When my sister was a baby my dad put her on the couch and went to get the phone. As soon as he left, she fell off. Of course, his "solution" was to STICK HER IN HIS WORK BOOT the next time the phone rang...

I feel awful. I am the worst mom ever. Bollocks.

The Aftrmath

My in laws visit went off without a hitch. Or so I thought.

Tonight my brother in law gave me an interesting look into what the in laws told him after our visit...

I am, in a word, PISSED.

Where to start...

First, they said if they'd had a say, there's "no way" the gnome would have been named what we named her. This isn't so surprising- that's why we didn't tell them what we were naming her until AFTER she was named it.

Then they said I had mentioned a dress their friends bought the gnome would be good for Easter (it was actually my mom) and they told my brother in law "there is NO WAY that baby is celebrating Easter- she'll be raised Jewish". Uh, no she won't. My husband is an atheist. I am at best agnostic. Why would we raise our child in any particular religion? To be fair, we plan on celebrating our favorite holidays from our respective religions (well, the ones we had as kids) but that's about it. The faith of the gnome will be up to her when she gets old enough to understand what religion is. I for one am SO offended that my MIL thinks she can just command us to raise OUR child the way She wants us to.

Then the MIL said she didn't know what to say to my mom and felt uncomfortable around her. I did notice the awkwardness, but what do you expect? My mom was here first- they came during her visit. The original plan was for them to come AFTER my mom left, but they chose to not wait. Thats what happens...

Then they complained about how my husband holds the baby and that she's "terrified" when he holds her. Uh, newsflash. She's not.

I would love if in the future they'd say this shit to my face instead of humiliating me by telling everyone BUT me and letting me be the last to know. We're both pissed, and honestly, I'm not sure how much more of this I'm willing to put up with.

The Quiet

My mom left this morning at slightly after 7am. I immediately began cleaning the house trying to make it seem as though she was never here. It's a coping thing I do- if I see reminders of her I get sad, so I hide them and then I don't have to think about how she was here but isn't anymore. I'm not taking this well at all. I'm just so terrified of taking care of this baby by myself. Not that my husband isn't here- I just am scared of being "mom" and part of me is worried that he's going to get mad at me or regret having her because she keeps him up all night. Its not something he said that makes me think like this- I just do. He's really a great father- a nervous father, but a great father nonetheless. I just don't want him to be unhappy, and I'm scared I can't be a mom and a wife at the same time.

This whole experience has been such a huge eye-opener for me. I never listened to anyone about how hard any of it would be. I just brushed off the helpful advice and convinced myself that it was a piece of cake and anyone who said otherwise either didn't want me to be happy or was just a drama queen who couldn't handle her own kids. Wow, was I wrong. Granted, it's a little too late to conclude that maybe I'm just not mature enough to be a mother yet. I am, and there's no turning back now. I do want to be a mother- I want the gnome and I feel sweetly complete with my new little family, but I'm also so terrified I'll somehow screw it up. I mean, my actions in how I raise this baby can have a HUGE impact on the world some day. If I take a wrong step, will she be a sociopath? I have the power to make or break her brain and either raise an upstanding citizen or a danger to society. It's a lot of pressure. I guess it's probably a good thing they're born as babies and not teenagers, then...

I think I'll get over this 'panic mode' I've launched myself into. I just need time, I guess. My mom is going to try to return in August, and I can call her any time- she's just a phone call away when I need her.

Oh, and here's a funny story to lighten the mood (I hope). Yesterday the gnome had her first bath in her baby bath tub. My mom helped. We laid the tub over the kitchen sink like it said to, and put her inside. Surprisingly she didn't scream- she actually seemed to enjoy it. It was all good clean fun (pun intended) until I went to turn on the sink light and turned on the garbage disposal instead. Oh my GOD you have no idea how terrified I was. I thought I'd "disposed of" the baby. Of course there was no way that she was in any danger, but still. My mom saw the look on my face and cracked up, which got me to exhale and not pass out. The moral of the story is, from now on, I will turn on the over-sink light BEFORE starting the baby's bath. Yeesh.

The most horrible thing ever.

Last night before bed, I put the gnome in her bassinet and went to the bathroom. My husband was watching tv five feet away from her, so I figured this was no big deal. WRONG. By the time I got back from the bathroom (we're talking less than two minutes here) she was SCREAMING at the top of her lungs, and making the most horribly distressed face I've ever seen her make. I felt HORRIBLE. My poor husband didn't even have time to react to her - she just decided instantaneously that she was not ready to be alone and started wailing before he had a chance to get across the bed to pick her up. Of course she quieted right down when I picked her up, but seeing that face... It was awful. I felt so guilty!

I have to admit it did feel good to be wanted enough that I could settle her crying so fast. Not that anyone wouldn't have gotten that same reaction, but still. There is so much 'out there' about the mother child bond, I guess its good to feel needed. I'm sure we are "bonding", but it's hard to tell when they're so little. She doesn't really make eye contact yet, and she's happy to be held by anyone- I don't have the exclusive on that one. I'm pretty sure she recognizes me, but I don't know that she thinks I'm all that special or different from anyone else in her life at the moment.

You know what's weird? Before I had her- and even still now- I was looking specifically for that world-famous "mother/child bond". I was so determined to find it and understand what it feels like since I don't remember it with my own biological mother. The irony of course, is that my "mom" who is not my biological mother has been here for the past 4 weeks and is leaving in a matter of minutes and her leaving is completely terrifying and devastating to me. I don't know why I ever discounted that bond, when clearly it's just as strong as any blood relationship. So really, all along I've had the very thing I thought I needed a child to feel, and now that I have the child I don't know how I'm going to get along without my own mom.

Out on a Limb

Tomorrow is Friday: my mom's last day here before she returns home Saturday. Honestly, I'm terrified. I have no idea what I'm going to do once she leaves. On the one hand, I'll just miss her because she's my mom and I see her maybe twice a year most years. But on the more selfish hand, I am so scared of taking care of the gnome all by myself during the day. It's been so great to have someone here to hand her off to when I need a shower or to use the bathroom. I'm also really scared of getting postpartum depression. Depression is a huge thing in my family, so I'm not exactly low-risk for postpartum. I'm just afraid I'll become so overwhelmed on my own that I'll have a meltdown and do something stupid.

I have one more week of my work leave- I took 4 weeks, which may or may not be enough. I have mixed feelings about it, honestly. I don't know if I'm ready to work yet, but at the same time i think I could use the distraction- that might actually help stave off any depression I might otherwise fall into. I miss working, I miss my friends at work, and though I'll be working from home, at least it will put me in regular contact with my coworkers. I'm not sure how things are going to be with a needy newborn who has fits if you don't hold her for hours at a time (typing kind of requires two hands...) but I'll make it work. I hope. Things are just so 'up in the air' at the moment, and I'm really not that great with uncertainty. It makes me panic.

Okay, I have to go now, so I can stop thinking about my mom leaving. Seriously, I'm going to start crying now. I mean, obviously I have to do this on my own eventually. The gnome is here to stay for the next 18 years- I can't rely on others to raise her. I just haven't had to do it "alone" since she was born. And no, my husband doesn't count- he's at work all day.

The woman of your dreams.

This is how bad things have gotten: Yesterday, my husband told me he had a sex dream about ME.

Naturally, I felt terrible. Flattered, but terrible. Once my mom is no longer here to take the baby out of my arms for a few precious minutes each day, I don't know what the heck I'm going to do. It's never good when your husband is feeling 'deprived.' I mean, isn't that when they start looking elsewhere? I've been cheated on by two different ex-boyfriends for not putting out, so I of all people should know. (In my own defense, I had good excuses. The first time I was FOURTEEEN, and the other, well, there was no physical attraction and he would have been my first and I didn't feel like letting my first be with someone who I was mildly repulsed by. Also, turns out it was a good thing I resisted, because when he cheated it was with a whore, and heaven knows what she gave him. I mean, besides a "good time").

The baby seems to be getting bigger. Her head seems huge. And she seems heavier. I guess that's normal. I jokingly said I'd be ripped by the time she started walking, but my MIL corrected me. She also told me the baby's eyes will change to brown in the next week or so. I didn't have the energy to argue with her about it, but I'm sure I read it usually takes about a year for the eyecolor to change. And I had to ignore the "brown" comment. Why brown? Why can't her eyes be green, hazel or blue? More importantly, why do people always have to insist I'm wrong and they know everything?

Last, I am going to put out a heads up to the world. Do not listen when people insist that buying 0-3 month clothing is a waste of money and the baby will only get one use of everything. I go through about three outfits a day with her, and I stupidly listened to the jackasses that told me to buy larger sizes and have hardly any 0-3 month outfits to begin with. The 3-6 and beyond are all still too big. How the hell am I supposed to dress my baby for the next three months with a dresser full of too-big clothes? So here's my advice: buy the 0-3 outfits, the 3-6 and the 6-9. Three months is a long time for a baby to go buck naked. The best part is, everyone keeps buying me summer clothes in 6-9 month sizes as gifts. In 6-9 months it will be NOVEMBER- I'm sorry, but what use is a sundress in NOVEMBER? Hawaii this is not. Do people even think anymore?