Today we had to run to the bed & bath store because the razor I bought for my husband wasn't keeping its charge and he needed to exchange it. When we were there this woman and her granddaughter saw the gnome and were commenting on how cute she is. As we were leaving, the granddaughter, who was probably about 13, saw the gnome spit up, and said "Oh, she just barfed."
I have honestly not wanted to punch anyone so hard in months. I realize the girl was still a kid, but come ON! Can't her parents teach her a less vile way to say "threw up"? Hey! I know! How about "threw up!" Not that she even DID throw up- that's beside the point.
Maybe I should just stay home from now on...
The pumping/attempting to restore my milk supply is going okay. I'm really actually worried about it. I'm just not 'there' yet, despite my best efforts, and I'm afraid I never will be. Not that supplementing with formula would be the worst thing on earth, but it kind of would be. I just feel really guilty and ashamed, which is hampering my willingness to reach out for help. I'd rather just deal with it privately and not look as bad as I feel, you know? I mean, what if my MIL found out??? I'd be devastated.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Mommy is definitely still bollocks.
So the gnome had her 1 month checkup. She's doing okay, though the doctor said she looks skinny and she should look fatter. Great. Here I thought I was doing well with feedings, and turns out I'm what? Malnourishing her? She doesn't look particularly skinny too me. Who'd have thunk MY kid would be on the slender side? Weird.
The nursing has been hurting a lot the past day or so. I realize its only been 6 days, but I'm done. That is, if I can get my milk supply back up enough to pump. I don't think she's getting enough from nursing, and apparently I need to up her to at least three ounces if I pump, so either way she needs to eat more. Whether or not i can provide more either way is beyond me. I'm really worried I've fucked things up permanently. I don't want to have to supplement with formula- I'd hate to have to do that. I wonder if you can increase your milk supply after six days. I guess only time will tell. Even despite the pain of nursing I'd be willing to stick it out if i thought it would do any good, but honestly, I'm more concerned my child isn't getting enough food than I am about sore nipples. And trust me, they are SORE.
Otherwise the gnome is doing okay. She did get her second dose of the hep-b vaccine and did she ever scream, but she stopped shortly afterwards and once I held her in my arms she was fine. Poor little thing. Such a terrible thing to get on your one-month birthday. Next month will be worse, as she needs FOUR vaccines at once. I'm dreading it.
The nursing has been hurting a lot the past day or so. I realize its only been 6 days, but I'm done. That is, if I can get my milk supply back up enough to pump. I don't think she's getting enough from nursing, and apparently I need to up her to at least three ounces if I pump, so either way she needs to eat more. Whether or not i can provide more either way is beyond me. I'm really worried I've fucked things up permanently. I don't want to have to supplement with formula- I'd hate to have to do that. I wonder if you can increase your milk supply after six days. I guess only time will tell. Even despite the pain of nursing I'd be willing to stick it out if i thought it would do any good, but honestly, I'm more concerned my child isn't getting enough food than I am about sore nipples. And trust me, they are SORE.
Otherwise the gnome is doing okay. She did get her second dose of the hep-b vaccine and did she ever scream, but she stopped shortly afterwards and once I held her in my arms she was fine. Poor little thing. Such a terrible thing to get on your one-month birthday. Next month will be worse, as she needs FOUR vaccines at once. I'm dreading it.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tummy Time
Last night I finally had a free minute to read ahead in "What to Expect The First Year." Fittingly so, because yesterday was the gnome's 4-week birthday, so she's now in 'month 1' or maybe she will be tomorrow on her official one-month birthday. Either way, I had no idea what was in store, so I'm glad I got to catch up.
One of the many discoveries I made (besides that the poor thing has cradle cap, though granted it's a very mild case and just looks like dandruff (see the post entitled "molting")) is that the gnome should be starting "tummy time." I'm glad the book said this, because I googled tummy time a few weeks ago and the only reference I found to it said it starts at 3-4 months, not weeks. The chapter in WTETFY said by the end of this month the gnome should be able to hold her head up on her own whilst lying on her tummy, so I tried her first tummy time last night and guess what? She can already lift her head. Granted, it's for maybe two seconds at a time, and she spent the entire tummy time frogging around trying to get away, but I was so happy I nearly cried. She can also hold her head up when she's being held upright for burping. She doesn't have the best control of her neck by any means, but she gives it a good try every time. The book also said that it wasn't my imagination- she should be able to return a smile, which she's been doing! I don't care if she's advanced or ahead of the pack, but as long as she's average or reaching her milestones on time, I'm happy! I feel vindicated- like maybe, just maybe, I'm not doing everything wrong.
On the family front, my MIL sent an email today asking if they can come back to visit in July. I just forwarded it to my husband with the word "JULY????" I'm sorry, but that's way too soon. No more parents until at least August. If we're going to figure out this parenting thing for ourselves we need TIME to do it.
One of the many discoveries I made (besides that the poor thing has cradle cap, though granted it's a very mild case and just looks like dandruff (see the post entitled "molting")) is that the gnome should be starting "tummy time." I'm glad the book said this, because I googled tummy time a few weeks ago and the only reference I found to it said it starts at 3-4 months, not weeks. The chapter in WTETFY said by the end of this month the gnome should be able to hold her head up on her own whilst lying on her tummy, so I tried her first tummy time last night and guess what? She can already lift her head. Granted, it's for maybe two seconds at a time, and she spent the entire tummy time frogging around trying to get away, but I was so happy I nearly cried. She can also hold her head up when she's being held upright for burping. She doesn't have the best control of her neck by any means, but she gives it a good try every time. The book also said that it wasn't my imagination- she should be able to return a smile, which she's been doing! I don't care if she's advanced or ahead of the pack, but as long as she's average or reaching her milestones on time, I'm happy! I feel vindicated- like maybe, just maybe, I'm not doing everything wrong.
On the family front, my MIL sent an email today asking if they can come back to visit in July. I just forwarded it to my husband with the word "JULY????" I'm sorry, but that's way too soon. No more parents until at least August. If we're going to figure out this parenting thing for ourselves we need TIME to do it.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Molting
The gnome is molting. Yes, molting. All the skin on her head seems to be peeling off at once. She doesn't have sunburn, it's just flaking off. It was fine until her bath last night. I scrubbed as hard as I could without hurting her (the doctor said I should to avoid cradle cap) but now she just has flaky skin all over. Poor gnome. I don't know how to treat it, because a lot of it is on her forehead, and I don't want to get lotion in her eyes.
In other news, I think she's growing up on me! She's getting to the stage where she's looking at things for long periods of time, and reacting to my voice when I speak to her. Before she would hear but not care, and now if i talk to her in a baby-voice when she's getting fussy, she'll calm down and give me what seems like a smile. Of course, she's 4 weeks old, so it's probably not a smile, but I like to tell myself that it is!
In other news, I think she's growing up on me! She's getting to the stage where she's looking at things for long periods of time, and reacting to my voice when I speak to her. Before she would hear but not care, and now if i talk to her in a baby-voice when she's getting fussy, she'll calm down and give me what seems like a smile. Of course, she's 4 weeks old, so it's probably not a smile, but I like to tell myself that it is!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Bizarre Rejection
As the gnome gets older it becomes more and more obvious she is a perfect female miniature of her father. I call her his mini-me. It's all good and cute, until someone gets hurt... This morning my husbands grandparents emailed me. He hates his grandfather, so they won't email HIM, but anyways, they mentioned that the gnome looks just like my husband did as a baby. It's one thing to know it and tell yourself something, but to have others say it... Well, it's a bizarre sort of rejection I'm not sure I know how to deal with yet. You see, I spent my entire life being told I look nothing like my own mother and exactly like my dad. Maybe if my mom hadn't died I wouldn't be so upset by this, but by virtue of the fact that she did, it really hurts my feelings to be told I look "nothing like" her or even just to be told I look like my dad and glaringly omitting any mention of my mother.
The thing is with the gnome, it's not like i consider myself any great beauty, but I think every parent, no matter how ugly, wants to see a little of him or herself in their child. Sometimes I think I see it in the gnome, but I can't be sure. I guess only time will tell. I think she has my stern eyebrows and maybe my lips. I notice she looks more like me when she's brooding (which I also do quite frequently). It's just weird, this whole thing. I've gone from not looking like my mom to not looking like my daughter. For the record, I do think I look like my mom- our faces are shaped the same and I have her mouth and cheekbones. It may not be as obvious as the eyes, but it's there for those who care to look. Problem is, nobody ever does.
In other news, things are going well with the gnome. She hasn't had any issues since "the incident" and seems perfectly happy. I do have some more parenting issues I have to confess to, though. First, I have to admit to being far too reliant on a pacifier. The nurse gave her one in the hospital and she's been in love ever since. Granted not with the same one, since the younger of my two dogs scoops them off the floor as fast as the gnome can throw them and then destroys them, but there's this one style from Nuby called "paci-pals" that she likes. The problem is, I read in 'what to expect' that pacifiers aren't necessarily the best habit to start, but then I've read that giving them at bedtime can help reduce SIDS. I have resolved to only give it to her when she is having a major meltdown. For now I'm trying to let her rely on her fingers and not take the "easy way" out and just plug in a paci every time the tears start. I anticipate an increase in headaches...
The other thing I've been doing makes me feel even more guilty. I haven't been breastfeeding her. I have been feeding her breast milk, but I've been pumping it almost exclusively since the day we left the hospital. She wasn't getting a great latch, and then she'd have a meltdown and get frantic because she couldn't get enough milk, so I just decided that pumping and feeding her a bottle would be easier. I'm half-assing my child's nutrition. Aren't I great? Well no more! You see, a week or two ago I decided to just try breastfeeding and she got it very easily- it literally took three seconds to get a latch and she stayed on for nearly 20 minutes. This was between meals, though, so she wasn't too hungry anyways. But last night, my guilt got the better of me, and i decided to do a little experiment. I decided to nurse exclusively throughout the night, and just see what happened. I have about 8 ounces of pumped milk in the fridge, so if worse came to worst, I could just heat up a bottle for her, but luckily it wasn't needed. She nursed at 8, 12, 3, and then 8 am (she slept that long and woke me- I was not awake to not feed her)- all successfully, with no fussing or latching issues. Maybe her mouth has just gotten bigger? I don't know. They say that bottle feeding causes nipple confusion, but in my case it seems to have actually helped to teach her the right way to latch. I feel pretty good about trying exclusive breastfeeding from now on, but I'm saving that pumped milk in the freezer just in case...
Oh! And I finally figured out how to get that boppy pillow to work, too! Before she'd just slide right off it, but this morning it worked perfectly, and my back didn't have to get all weird and contorted to feed her. No more half-ass parenting for me!
The thing is with the gnome, it's not like i consider myself any great beauty, but I think every parent, no matter how ugly, wants to see a little of him or herself in their child. Sometimes I think I see it in the gnome, but I can't be sure. I guess only time will tell. I think she has my stern eyebrows and maybe my lips. I notice she looks more like me when she's brooding (which I also do quite frequently). It's just weird, this whole thing. I've gone from not looking like my mom to not looking like my daughter. For the record, I do think I look like my mom- our faces are shaped the same and I have her mouth and cheekbones. It may not be as obvious as the eyes, but it's there for those who care to look. Problem is, nobody ever does.
In other news, things are going well with the gnome. She hasn't had any issues since "the incident" and seems perfectly happy. I do have some more parenting issues I have to confess to, though. First, I have to admit to being far too reliant on a pacifier. The nurse gave her one in the hospital and she's been in love ever since. Granted not with the same one, since the younger of my two dogs scoops them off the floor as fast as the gnome can throw them and then destroys them, but there's this one style from Nuby called "paci-pals" that she likes. The problem is, I read in 'what to expect' that pacifiers aren't necessarily the best habit to start, but then I've read that giving them at bedtime can help reduce SIDS. I have resolved to only give it to her when she is having a major meltdown. For now I'm trying to let her rely on her fingers and not take the "easy way" out and just plug in a paci every time the tears start. I anticipate an increase in headaches...
The other thing I've been doing makes me feel even more guilty. I haven't been breastfeeding her. I have been feeding her breast milk, but I've been pumping it almost exclusively since the day we left the hospital. She wasn't getting a great latch, and then she'd have a meltdown and get frantic because she couldn't get enough milk, so I just decided that pumping and feeding her a bottle would be easier. I'm half-assing my child's nutrition. Aren't I great? Well no more! You see, a week or two ago I decided to just try breastfeeding and she got it very easily- it literally took three seconds to get a latch and she stayed on for nearly 20 minutes. This was between meals, though, so she wasn't too hungry anyways. But last night, my guilt got the better of me, and i decided to do a little experiment. I decided to nurse exclusively throughout the night, and just see what happened. I have about 8 ounces of pumped milk in the fridge, so if worse came to worst, I could just heat up a bottle for her, but luckily it wasn't needed. She nursed at 8, 12, 3, and then 8 am (she slept that long and woke me- I was not awake to not feed her)- all successfully, with no fussing or latching issues. Maybe her mouth has just gotten bigger? I don't know. They say that bottle feeding causes nipple confusion, but in my case it seems to have actually helped to teach her the right way to latch. I feel pretty good about trying exclusive breastfeeding from now on, but I'm saving that pumped milk in the freezer just in case...
Oh! And I finally figured out how to get that boppy pillow to work, too! Before she'd just slide right off it, but this morning it worked perfectly, and my back didn't have to get all weird and contorted to feed her. No more half-ass parenting for me!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Mommy is Bollocks.
I did something terrible. I dropped the gnome. I fell asleep with her on my chest and she rolled off and landed with a horrifying "thud" on the floor. Thank whatever GOD that may be out there we have carpet. I remember the thud and then a scream, and then my own screams for my husband, who I must say, rallied like a champ.
The gnome stopped screaming the second I picked her up and is fine. No bumps, bruises, lumps, cuts, etc. I touched her limbs, head and torso to see if she screamed in pain and she didn't. She landed on her side, which is better than, say, her head. She just ate and is alert and squirming in my arms per usual. We tried sleeping but she kept fussing and spitting out the paci and crying for it back.
God I suck. I am SO lucky. I am my father's daughter, apparently. When my sister was a baby my dad put her on the couch and went to get the phone. As soon as he left, she fell off. Of course, his "solution" was to STICK HER IN HIS WORK BOOT the next time the phone rang...
I feel awful. I am the worst mom ever. Bollocks.
The gnome stopped screaming the second I picked her up and is fine. No bumps, bruises, lumps, cuts, etc. I touched her limbs, head and torso to see if she screamed in pain and she didn't. She landed on her side, which is better than, say, her head. She just ate and is alert and squirming in my arms per usual. We tried sleeping but she kept fussing and spitting out the paci and crying for it back.
God I suck. I am SO lucky. I am my father's daughter, apparently. When my sister was a baby my dad put her on the couch and went to get the phone. As soon as he left, she fell off. Of course, his "solution" was to STICK HER IN HIS WORK BOOT the next time the phone rang...
I feel awful. I am the worst mom ever. Bollocks.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
The Aftrmath
My in laws visit went off without a hitch. Or so I thought.
Tonight my brother in law gave me an interesting look into what the in laws told him after our visit...
I am, in a word, PISSED.
Where to start...
First, they said if they'd had a say, there's "no way" the gnome would have been named what we named her. This isn't so surprising- that's why we didn't tell them what we were naming her until AFTER she was named it.
Then they said I had mentioned a dress their friends bought the gnome would be good for Easter (it was actually my mom) and they told my brother in law "there is NO WAY that baby is celebrating Easter- she'll be raised Jewish". Uh, no she won't. My husband is an atheist. I am at best agnostic. Why would we raise our child in any particular religion? To be fair, we plan on celebrating our favorite holidays from our respective religions (well, the ones we had as kids) but that's about it. The faith of the gnome will be up to her when she gets old enough to understand what religion is. I for one am SO offended that my MIL thinks she can just command us to raise OUR child the way She wants us to.
Then the MIL said she didn't know what to say to my mom and felt uncomfortable around her. I did notice the awkwardness, but what do you expect? My mom was here first- they came during her visit. The original plan was for them to come AFTER my mom left, but they chose to not wait. Thats what happens...
Then they complained about how my husband holds the baby and that she's "terrified" when he holds her. Uh, newsflash. She's not.
I would love if in the future they'd say this shit to my face instead of humiliating me by telling everyone BUT me and letting me be the last to know. We're both pissed, and honestly, I'm not sure how much more of this I'm willing to put up with.
Tonight my brother in law gave me an interesting look into what the in laws told him after our visit...
I am, in a word, PISSED.
Where to start...
First, they said if they'd had a say, there's "no way" the gnome would have been named what we named her. This isn't so surprising- that's why we didn't tell them what we were naming her until AFTER she was named it.
Then they said I had mentioned a dress their friends bought the gnome would be good for Easter (it was actually my mom) and they told my brother in law "there is NO WAY that baby is celebrating Easter- she'll be raised Jewish". Uh, no she won't. My husband is an atheist. I am at best agnostic. Why would we raise our child in any particular religion? To be fair, we plan on celebrating our favorite holidays from our respective religions (well, the ones we had as kids) but that's about it. The faith of the gnome will be up to her when she gets old enough to understand what religion is. I for one am SO offended that my MIL thinks she can just command us to raise OUR child the way She wants us to.
Then the MIL said she didn't know what to say to my mom and felt uncomfortable around her. I did notice the awkwardness, but what do you expect? My mom was here first- they came during her visit. The original plan was for them to come AFTER my mom left, but they chose to not wait. Thats what happens...
Then they complained about how my husband holds the baby and that she's "terrified" when he holds her. Uh, newsflash. She's not.
I would love if in the future they'd say this shit to my face instead of humiliating me by telling everyone BUT me and letting me be the last to know. We're both pissed, and honestly, I'm not sure how much more of this I'm willing to put up with.
The Quiet
My mom left this morning at slightly after 7am. I immediately began cleaning the house trying to make it seem as though she was never here. It's a coping thing I do- if I see reminders of her I get sad, so I hide them and then I don't have to think about how she was here but isn't anymore. I'm not taking this well at all. I'm just so terrified of taking care of this baby by myself. Not that my husband isn't here- I just am scared of being "mom" and part of me is worried that he's going to get mad at me or regret having her because she keeps him up all night. Its not something he said that makes me think like this- I just do. He's really a great father- a nervous father, but a great father nonetheless. I just don't want him to be unhappy, and I'm scared I can't be a mom and a wife at the same time.
This whole experience has been such a huge eye-opener for me. I never listened to anyone about how hard any of it would be. I just brushed off the helpful advice and convinced myself that it was a piece of cake and anyone who said otherwise either didn't want me to be happy or was just a drama queen who couldn't handle her own kids. Wow, was I wrong. Granted, it's a little too late to conclude that maybe I'm just not mature enough to be a mother yet. I am, and there's no turning back now. I do want to be a mother- I want the gnome and I feel sweetly complete with my new little family, but I'm also so terrified I'll somehow screw it up. I mean, my actions in how I raise this baby can have a HUGE impact on the world some day. If I take a wrong step, will she be a sociopath? I have the power to make or break her brain and either raise an upstanding citizen or a danger to society. It's a lot of pressure. I guess it's probably a good thing they're born as babies and not teenagers, then...
I think I'll get over this 'panic mode' I've launched myself into. I just need time, I guess. My mom is going to try to return in August, and I can call her any time- she's just a phone call away when I need her.
Oh, and here's a funny story to lighten the mood (I hope). Yesterday the gnome had her first bath in her baby bath tub. My mom helped. We laid the tub over the kitchen sink like it said to, and put her inside. Surprisingly she didn't scream- she actually seemed to enjoy it. It was all good clean fun (pun intended) until I went to turn on the sink light and turned on the garbage disposal instead. Oh my GOD you have no idea how terrified I was. I thought I'd "disposed of" the baby. Of course there was no way that she was in any danger, but still. My mom saw the look on my face and cracked up, which got me to exhale and not pass out. The moral of the story is, from now on, I will turn on the over-sink light BEFORE starting the baby's bath. Yeesh.
This whole experience has been such a huge eye-opener for me. I never listened to anyone about how hard any of it would be. I just brushed off the helpful advice and convinced myself that it was a piece of cake and anyone who said otherwise either didn't want me to be happy or was just a drama queen who couldn't handle her own kids. Wow, was I wrong. Granted, it's a little too late to conclude that maybe I'm just not mature enough to be a mother yet. I am, and there's no turning back now. I do want to be a mother- I want the gnome and I feel sweetly complete with my new little family, but I'm also so terrified I'll somehow screw it up. I mean, my actions in how I raise this baby can have a HUGE impact on the world some day. If I take a wrong step, will she be a sociopath? I have the power to make or break her brain and either raise an upstanding citizen or a danger to society. It's a lot of pressure. I guess it's probably a good thing they're born as babies and not teenagers, then...
I think I'll get over this 'panic mode' I've launched myself into. I just need time, I guess. My mom is going to try to return in August, and I can call her any time- she's just a phone call away when I need her.
Oh, and here's a funny story to lighten the mood (I hope). Yesterday the gnome had her first bath in her baby bath tub. My mom helped. We laid the tub over the kitchen sink like it said to, and put her inside. Surprisingly she didn't scream- she actually seemed to enjoy it. It was all good clean fun (pun intended) until I went to turn on the sink light and turned on the garbage disposal instead. Oh my GOD you have no idea how terrified I was. I thought I'd "disposed of" the baby. Of course there was no way that she was in any danger, but still. My mom saw the look on my face and cracked up, which got me to exhale and not pass out. The moral of the story is, from now on, I will turn on the over-sink light BEFORE starting the baby's bath. Yeesh.
The most horrible thing ever.
Last night before bed, I put the gnome in her bassinet and went to the bathroom. My husband was watching tv five feet away from her, so I figured this was no big deal. WRONG. By the time I got back from the bathroom (we're talking less than two minutes here) she was SCREAMING at the top of her lungs, and making the most horribly distressed face I've ever seen her make. I felt HORRIBLE. My poor husband didn't even have time to react to her - she just decided instantaneously that she was not ready to be alone and started wailing before he had a chance to get across the bed to pick her up. Of course she quieted right down when I picked her up, but seeing that face... It was awful. I felt so guilty!
I have to admit it did feel good to be wanted enough that I could settle her crying so fast. Not that anyone wouldn't have gotten that same reaction, but still. There is so much 'out there' about the mother child bond, I guess its good to feel needed. I'm sure we are "bonding", but it's hard to tell when they're so little. She doesn't really make eye contact yet, and she's happy to be held by anyone- I don't have the exclusive on that one. I'm pretty sure she recognizes me, but I don't know that she thinks I'm all that special or different from anyone else in her life at the moment.
You know what's weird? Before I had her- and even still now- I was looking specifically for that world-famous "mother/child bond". I was so determined to find it and understand what it feels like since I don't remember it with my own biological mother. The irony of course, is that my "mom" who is not my biological mother has been here for the past 4 weeks and is leaving in a matter of minutes and her leaving is completely terrifying and devastating to me. I don't know why I ever discounted that bond, when clearly it's just as strong as any blood relationship. So really, all along I've had the very thing I thought I needed a child to feel, and now that I have the child I don't know how I'm going to get along without my own mom.
I have to admit it did feel good to be wanted enough that I could settle her crying so fast. Not that anyone wouldn't have gotten that same reaction, but still. There is so much 'out there' about the mother child bond, I guess its good to feel needed. I'm sure we are "bonding", but it's hard to tell when they're so little. She doesn't really make eye contact yet, and she's happy to be held by anyone- I don't have the exclusive on that one. I'm pretty sure she recognizes me, but I don't know that she thinks I'm all that special or different from anyone else in her life at the moment.
You know what's weird? Before I had her- and even still now- I was looking specifically for that world-famous "mother/child bond". I was so determined to find it and understand what it feels like since I don't remember it with my own biological mother. The irony of course, is that my "mom" who is not my biological mother has been here for the past 4 weeks and is leaving in a matter of minutes and her leaving is completely terrifying and devastating to me. I don't know why I ever discounted that bond, when clearly it's just as strong as any blood relationship. So really, all along I've had the very thing I thought I needed a child to feel, and now that I have the child I don't know how I'm going to get along without my own mom.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Out on a Limb
Tomorrow is Friday: my mom's last day here before she returns home Saturday. Honestly, I'm terrified. I have no idea what I'm going to do once she leaves. On the one hand, I'll just miss her because she's my mom and I see her maybe twice a year most years. But on the more selfish hand, I am so scared of taking care of the gnome all by myself during the day. It's been so great to have someone here to hand her off to when I need a shower or to use the bathroom. I'm also really scared of getting postpartum depression. Depression is a huge thing in my family, so I'm not exactly low-risk for postpartum. I'm just afraid I'll become so overwhelmed on my own that I'll have a meltdown and do something stupid.
I have one more week of my work leave- I took 4 weeks, which may or may not be enough. I have mixed feelings about it, honestly. I don't know if I'm ready to work yet, but at the same time i think I could use the distraction- that might actually help stave off any depression I might otherwise fall into. I miss working, I miss my friends at work, and though I'll be working from home, at least it will put me in regular contact with my coworkers. I'm not sure how things are going to be with a needy newborn who has fits if you don't hold her for hours at a time (typing kind of requires two hands...) but I'll make it work. I hope. Things are just so 'up in the air' at the moment, and I'm really not that great with uncertainty. It makes me panic.
Okay, I have to go now, so I can stop thinking about my mom leaving. Seriously, I'm going to start crying now. I mean, obviously I have to do this on my own eventually. The gnome is here to stay for the next 18 years- I can't rely on others to raise her. I just haven't had to do it "alone" since she was born. And no, my husband doesn't count- he's at work all day.
I have one more week of my work leave- I took 4 weeks, which may or may not be enough. I have mixed feelings about it, honestly. I don't know if I'm ready to work yet, but at the same time i think I could use the distraction- that might actually help stave off any depression I might otherwise fall into. I miss working, I miss my friends at work, and though I'll be working from home, at least it will put me in regular contact with my coworkers. I'm not sure how things are going to be with a needy newborn who has fits if you don't hold her for hours at a time (typing kind of requires two hands...) but I'll make it work. I hope. Things are just so 'up in the air' at the moment, and I'm really not that great with uncertainty. It makes me panic.
Okay, I have to go now, so I can stop thinking about my mom leaving. Seriously, I'm going to start crying now. I mean, obviously I have to do this on my own eventually. The gnome is here to stay for the next 18 years- I can't rely on others to raise her. I just haven't had to do it "alone" since she was born. And no, my husband doesn't count- he's at work all day.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The woman of your dreams.
This is how bad things have gotten: Yesterday, my husband told me he had a sex dream about ME.
Naturally, I felt terrible. Flattered, but terrible. Once my mom is no longer here to take the baby out of my arms for a few precious minutes each day, I don't know what the heck I'm going to do. It's never good when your husband is feeling 'deprived.' I mean, isn't that when they start looking elsewhere? I've been cheated on by two different ex-boyfriends for not putting out, so I of all people should know. (In my own defense, I had good excuses. The first time I was FOURTEEEN, and the other, well, there was no physical attraction and he would have been my first and I didn't feel like letting my first be with someone who I was mildly repulsed by. Also, turns out it was a good thing I resisted, because when he cheated it was with a whore, and heaven knows what she gave him. I mean, besides a "good time").
The baby seems to be getting bigger. Her head seems huge. And she seems heavier. I guess that's normal. I jokingly said I'd be ripped by the time she started walking, but my MIL corrected me. She also told me the baby's eyes will change to brown in the next week or so. I didn't have the energy to argue with her about it, but I'm sure I read it usually takes about a year for the eyecolor to change. And I had to ignore the "brown" comment. Why brown? Why can't her eyes be green, hazel or blue? More importantly, why do people always have to insist I'm wrong and they know everything?
Last, I am going to put out a heads up to the world. Do not listen when people insist that buying 0-3 month clothing is a waste of money and the baby will only get one use of everything. I go through about three outfits a day with her, and I stupidly listened to the jackasses that told me to buy larger sizes and have hardly any 0-3 month outfits to begin with. The 3-6 and beyond are all still too big. How the hell am I supposed to dress my baby for the next three months with a dresser full of too-big clothes? So here's my advice: buy the 0-3 outfits, the 3-6 and the 6-9. Three months is a long time for a baby to go buck naked. The best part is, everyone keeps buying me summer clothes in 6-9 month sizes as gifts. In 6-9 months it will be NOVEMBER- I'm sorry, but what use is a sundress in NOVEMBER? Hawaii this is not. Do people even think anymore?
Naturally, I felt terrible. Flattered, but terrible. Once my mom is no longer here to take the baby out of my arms for a few precious minutes each day, I don't know what the heck I'm going to do. It's never good when your husband is feeling 'deprived.' I mean, isn't that when they start looking elsewhere? I've been cheated on by two different ex-boyfriends for not putting out, so I of all people should know. (In my own defense, I had good excuses. The first time I was FOURTEEEN, and the other, well, there was no physical attraction and he would have been my first and I didn't feel like letting my first be with someone who I was mildly repulsed by. Also, turns out it was a good thing I resisted, because when he cheated it was with a whore, and heaven knows what she gave him. I mean, besides a "good time").
The baby seems to be getting bigger. Her head seems huge. And she seems heavier. I guess that's normal. I jokingly said I'd be ripped by the time she started walking, but my MIL corrected me. She also told me the baby's eyes will change to brown in the next week or so. I didn't have the energy to argue with her about it, but I'm sure I read it usually takes about a year for the eyecolor to change. And I had to ignore the "brown" comment. Why brown? Why can't her eyes be green, hazel or blue? More importantly, why do people always have to insist I'm wrong and they know everything?
Last, I am going to put out a heads up to the world. Do not listen when people insist that buying 0-3 month clothing is a waste of money and the baby will only get one use of everything. I go through about three outfits a day with her, and I stupidly listened to the jackasses that told me to buy larger sizes and have hardly any 0-3 month outfits to begin with. The 3-6 and beyond are all still too big. How the hell am I supposed to dress my baby for the next three months with a dresser full of too-big clothes? So here's my advice: buy the 0-3 outfits, the 3-6 and the 6-9. Three months is a long time for a baby to go buck naked. The best part is, everyone keeps buying me summer clothes in 6-9 month sizes as gifts. In 6-9 months it will be NOVEMBER- I'm sorry, but what use is a sundress in NOVEMBER? Hawaii this is not. Do people even think anymore?
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Sporadic update
I know I'm behind and missing posts... Will update as soon as someone will take the gnome-child from my hands. This has proven to be a surprisingly difficult task. Sure, she's cute, and there are no shortage of volunteers, but she gets so cranky if i transfer her to someone else... It's insane.
She is 12 days old today. It seems like a lifetime ago already. Maybe its the sleep deprivation. You know they warned me about that, but like everything else, I said "how bad could it be?"
How bad indeed. The gnome is not tired. I am typing one handed. This week was interesting. I learned a whole new range of emotions I didn't know existed. The kind that surface when people take your baby from your arms or say stuff like "other people might want to hold the baby" to you. You know, I really don't care what "other people might want." I might want other people to drain their savings accounts to buy me shoes just for the heck of it, but I don't see that happening, either. It's good to want.
I'm thinking maybe this blog has to stay anonymous, too. Oh well...
So the other feeling I've been having is probably "baby blues" related, but I wouldn't call it "postpartum depression". I just sometimes cry easier than normal, and I get a little bit scared at the idea of what happens after my mom goes home. What do I do? What do we really know about raising a baby? The best thing I can tell myself is to take it one day at a time. So far that's helping, but I have my moments where I'm like "what have I done?" The Gnome's pediatrician says this is totally normal. Let's hope.
Today was my 1st mothers day. My husband and the gnome got me a diamond pendant. Love them!
She is 12 days old today. It seems like a lifetime ago already. Maybe its the sleep deprivation. You know they warned me about that, but like everything else, I said "how bad could it be?"
How bad indeed. The gnome is not tired. I am typing one handed. This week was interesting. I learned a whole new range of emotions I didn't know existed. The kind that surface when people take your baby from your arms or say stuff like "other people might want to hold the baby" to you. You know, I really don't care what "other people might want." I might want other people to drain their savings accounts to buy me shoes just for the heck of it, but I don't see that happening, either. It's good to want.
I'm thinking maybe this blog has to stay anonymous, too. Oh well...
So the other feeling I've been having is probably "baby blues" related, but I wouldn't call it "postpartum depression". I just sometimes cry easier than normal, and I get a little bit scared at the idea of what happens after my mom goes home. What do I do? What do we really know about raising a baby? The best thing I can tell myself is to take it one day at a time. So far that's helping, but I have my moments where I'm like "what have I done?" The Gnome's pediatrician says this is totally normal. Let's hope.
Today was my 1st mothers day. My husband and the gnome got me a diamond pendant. Love them!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Part I: The "Labor"
So I didn't really ever go into labor. It was Monday night, and I was feeling really nauseous, something I thought was pretty normal, but by bedtime it had gotten so bad I couldn't lie down and get comfortable. My husband suggested we page the OB on call at my practitioners office, and the on call OB said "Go to the hospital". So we did. No sooner did we leave our street but the motion of the car made me sicker and I threw up all over myself. Lovely. Brand new car, too, so of course I kept it on myself and not the interior. Hair can be washed. I'm not driving a vomit mobile for the next 13 years.
We got to the hospital shortly after. I tried to rinse the vomit off myself, but then I got sick again. Very counterproductive. I ended up throwing up five times before it stopped the next day, but before that could happen, I had to be examined and hooked up to those stupid belly-band monitors that the elastic around your abdomen and the baby gets annoyed at and kicks off. Repeatedly. Then they gave me a pheneragan shot, and put me and the baby right to sleep. So of course the baby's kicks stopped and her heart rate mellowed and then they decided that since her heart rate was "flat" it would be best to not let me leave until she livened up a bit. Minutes turned to hours. Hours turned to Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning I got an ultrasound to measure the amniotic fluid, and it was determined that a C-section was necessary to protect me and the baby. And that's where the "fun" began...
We got to the hospital shortly after. I tried to rinse the vomit off myself, but then I got sick again. Very counterproductive. I ended up throwing up five times before it stopped the next day, but before that could happen, I had to be examined and hooked up to those stupid belly-band monitors that the elastic around your abdomen and the baby gets annoyed at and kicks off. Repeatedly. Then they gave me a pheneragan shot, and put me and the baby right to sleep. So of course the baby's kicks stopped and her heart rate mellowed and then they decided that since her heart rate was "flat" it would be best to not let me leave until she livened up a bit. Minutes turned to hours. Hours turned to Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning I got an ultrasound to measure the amniotic fluid, and it was determined that a C-section was necessary to protect me and the baby. And that's where the "fun" began...
Welcome Home, Little Gnome
Lemme be frank with you. This is a "mommy blog". Nobody is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to read it, so if you don't want to, don't. I have other blogs about my personal life, but this one is for my 4 day old little girl, to chronicle her life and my life raising her. I am not doing this for money, but for a way to keep a running account of my motherhood experiences, and have a record to someday give my daughter. If I can reach out to someone else in a similar position or learn something from someone who's "been there", then even better.
My daughter was born on 4/29. I almost instantly nicknamed her "the gnome" because she was given a hat by the hospital that when not fitted properly to her skull resembled a gnome hat. She is my first born, and I had a hell of a pregnancy getting her here. She's only been alive for four days, and I'm already smitten. I have much more to say about the first four days, but I'll save that for later. Gotta go feed the gnome...
My daughter was born on 4/29. I almost instantly nicknamed her "the gnome" because she was given a hat by the hospital that when not fitted properly to her skull resembled a gnome hat. She is my first born, and I had a hell of a pregnancy getting her here. She's only been alive for four days, and I'm already smitten. I have much more to say about the first four days, but I'll save that for later. Gotta go feed the gnome...
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