Tomorrow is Friday: my mom's last day here before she returns home Saturday. Honestly, I'm terrified. I have no idea what I'm going to do once she leaves. On the one hand, I'll just miss her because she's my mom and I see her maybe twice a year most years. But on the more selfish hand, I am so scared of taking care of the gnome all by myself during the day. It's been so great to have someone here to hand her off to when I need a shower or to use the bathroom. I'm also really scared of getting postpartum depression. Depression is a huge thing in my family, so I'm not exactly low-risk for postpartum. I'm just afraid I'll become so overwhelmed on my own that I'll have a meltdown and do something stupid.
I have one more week of my work leave- I took 4 weeks, which may or may not be enough. I have mixed feelings about it, honestly. I don't know if I'm ready to work yet, but at the same time i think I could use the distraction- that might actually help stave off any depression I might otherwise fall into. I miss working, I miss my friends at work, and though I'll be working from home, at least it will put me in regular contact with my coworkers. I'm not sure how things are going to be with a needy newborn who has fits if you don't hold her for hours at a time (typing kind of requires two hands...) but I'll make it work. I hope. Things are just so 'up in the air' at the moment, and I'm really not that great with uncertainty. It makes me panic.
Okay, I have to go now, so I can stop thinking about my mom leaving. Seriously, I'm going to start crying now. I mean, obviously I have to do this on my own eventually. The gnome is here to stay for the next 18 years- I can't rely on others to raise her. I just haven't had to do it "alone" since she was born. And no, my husband doesn't count- he's at work all day.
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