Why the gnome needed a bath.

So I took a picture of the gnome in her bunny towel (it has ears!) and sent it to my mom. She replied back "Looks like she had another bath!" and I was like, 'uh, yeah...'

There's a reason the gnome needed that particular bath. It all started when the gnome got fussy one morning last week and would not go back to sleep on her own. I had to get her out of the bassinet and keep her in the bed with me in order for her to settle down. I was snuggled up with her head against my cheek, and all was going well, but I guess I slept with my mouth open, because -oops- I drooled a little in her hair.

I explained this to my mom, who told my (good) grandmother and they both thought it was the funniest story ever. I guess it's pretty funny. I hope the gnome thinks so some day. I couldn't help it. She has a soft little head and she smells so good, and I just wanted to cuddle with her... I didn't mean to drool on her. Poor little strawberry. Good thing she's washable.

Weird...

It still really hasn't hit me that I'm a mother. Most of the time I feel like the gnome is just this cute baby someone forgot here but will eventually remember and come back for. At best she is on loan, a lifelike doll, or part of a dream.

Maybe its my subconscious trying to tell me that she is a little person and thus not really "mine" but her own, or maybe that she won't be tiny and helpless forever- someday she'll grow up and feed herself, bathe herself, and leave me behind as she ventures out into the world.

In other news...

I am wondering what's up with the boppy pillow. You can buy all sorts of replacement covers for it, but none of them are waterproof. Mine is constantly soaked with milk drips and spit-up, so when when I wash the cover the pillow is still dirty. You can wash the pillow, but it takes so long to dry. What up, boppy?

I take it back. all of it,

My grandmother asked me to email her with the gnomes weight after the doctors appointment, because we were trying to guess what it might be. So I send her an email and she writes back "See what happens when you eat?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I cannot TAKE it anymore!!!! Does she seriously think that SHE is the one responsible for the baby's weight gain???? Clearly she thinks I was starving the baby until she came along and saved her.

Then she says "I miss her already." We've already established that I'm chopped liver...

It just hurts. A lot. And any good that came from her visit is gone now.

The eerie calm.

Well my houseguest left today. I'm sort of sad. I wish the week had gone better, and that things hadn't bothered me so much. Things are otherwise back to normal here. The gnome (aka strawberry) had her 2 month checkup today. Wow. I'm not sure who cried more when she got her 4 (yes FOUR) shots- me or her. Nature doesn't make us protect our young and then make it easy for us to keep our composure when someone makes them hurt so much they scream until they lose their breath. Maybe it gets easier, but this time it was awful.

In happier news the gnome got even fatter and now weighs 10 pounds, 2 ounces! She's out of the danger zone and went from the 10th percentile to the 5oth! Go gnome!!!

Telephony

What is it about nursing that people don't get? My grandmother has yelled for me THREE TIMES today while I was feeding the baby that my cell is ringing. Great. I don't care. I feel bad for those who call during feedings, but I owe it to my daughter to at very least not talk on the friggin phone while I'm feeding her. Whatever it is, it can wait. I just don't get why she needs to call it to my attention and stress me out every time it happens.

Just. Be. Quiet.

One more day... One more day... Actually less than that. I am sort of sad she's going (yeah, I'm nuts).

Speaking of the phone ringing...

Make it stop!!!

My grandmother is being slightly more annoying today than she was yesterday, but mostly in her descriptions of baby gas and bowel movements. Do I really need to hear the descriptions? Okay, fine, my baby farts a lot. Well, if she hadn't made me feed her that stupid formula... But the thing that drives me mad is how she'll say stuff like "Oh, that was a juicy one." Dude STF up. Vomit.

Then, she'll say "I think she just took a dump."

I am seriously not white trash. I swear it. And neither is my family, which is why this crass vulgarity is so surprising to me. Good lawd. Just stop with the descriptions already. When the baby is particularly gassy she'll just keep saying "Ope- there's one" and "Ope. There's another one." Seriously, the baby is gassy- do we need to announce it every time she farts? Yeesh.

(BTW, I hate the word "fart." It is one of my least favorite words ever, and it pains me to write it, but "passing gas" or "breaking wind" is too labor intensive to write, and it sounds stupid.)

I called her on the whole vulgarity thing - she never talked like that before, and events like that and when she called that kid at best buy a "dumb shit" are surprising to me. I told her I remembered the first time I heard her swear and how my sister and I were mystified. She was like "What? Do you think your grandmother is a saint? You kids used to bother the hell out of me." Well, that just reopened a sore, because she never swore AT us, so she apparently was thinking profanities at us, which I guess doesn't surprise me. I don't know. But to answer her question, yes I DID think she was a saint- she goes to church daily and volunteers on church committees. She sews baptismal stoles. She taught CCD. She bakes blueberry muffins for the priests every week. She counts the money from the collection plate. She is FRIENDS with the priests. She is a Eucharistic minister for the elderly and disabled. Inherently bad people don't do that.

Then again there's the whole child molester priest scandal. My husband is convinced ALL priests are child molesters, which I take offense to, because the priests I knew growing up weren't like that and I loved all of them (though they've all died in the past few years).

Oh, earlier the gnome was fussy and my grandmother says "that sounds like a hungry cry." Since when are other people diagnosing her cries? And for the record, it wasn't even crying, it was minor fussing, because she had gas again. Yeesh. And can i just say, the whole 'waiting for the baby' thing is still bothering the heck out of me. I'm glad (and sad) to hear that it's not just me who's experienced that. It's like she's sitting in the car staring at the baby to mentally drink its youth like in "Hocus Pocus" or something.

Just get out of the damn car and go into the restaurant. The baby is coming too, okay? Yeesh.

Things have improved.

My grandmother is still driving me insane, but to a lesser degree. I think it's just bothering me less because the gnome is feeling better now, but that's fine by me!

The gas is mostly gone now, though it did come back a little when my grandmother kept complaining about how the gnome must be hungry still and I caved and gave her formula again. I've gotta stop doing that! Well, both 'that's'- giving her formula and caving. The formula was what gave her the gas last weekend, because it did it again. Contrary to popular myth it was nothing in MY breastmilk that did it, thank you very much, grandma. So no formula, ever again. EVER.

The gnome is back to being a happy, pain-free baby. She is still a wee bit gassy, but she isn't crying because of it- it just happens without any drama and that's the end of it.

So I am working on filling out her baby book, and there was a picture I'd taken of her when she first got home, sitting in her swing. I realized just now as I was looking at the picture and then up at her in her swing now just how much she's grown. It's INSANE. Her head is like, double the size it was! I can't get over it! I do know she's gained weight because she's been to the doctor and was weighed, but I had NO IDEA how much larger she looked. I guess when you start out at almost 7 pounds, 2 pounds makes a big difference. It is almost 30% of her body weight, after all. I suppose if I gained 30% of my weight in a few weeks that would be alarming, too.

Speaking of MY weight, we went to the OB for my final scar-checkup, and I was down another 10 pounds (this may have changed recently due to the homemade fudge my grandmother made). I am pretty close to my pre-baby weight, but I can't fit into most of my pre baby outfits. It's because my chest is so enormous from nursing- I guess I won't be wearing most of that stuff this summer after all. Oh well.

My inlaws are asking again about visiting at the end of August. I guess that's okay. They can't be worse than my grandmother has been this past week. I'm not saying I'm looking forward to their visit, but I'm certainly not dreading it as much as I was. Though I guess it doesn't matter who visits, I'm sufficiently bonded enough to the gnome to the point where if someone holds her for too long or refuses to give her back to me I get panicked inside, so they probably will annoy me no matter what. I have the same internal dialogue with my grandmother as I did when they were here before, that goes something like "Damn it, she's MY baby- she came from MY body- give her back!" I am just too polite to say it. Oddly enough, friends can hold her for as long as they'd like. I guess it depends on if I feel threatened by the holder, and between the in laws' comments and my grandmother's "joking" about stealing the gnome away, I get a little tense when they hold her.

It never ends.

I'm just going to post every time she insults me- how 'bout that?

Just now the baby was spitting up and fussing and my grandmother turns to me and says "maybe she's not getting enough nutrition."

Yeah, maybe that's it. I'm sure it can't be that she's being held all day in a death grip by a complete stranger who forces a pacifier into her mouth and holds it there despite her struggles to spit it out. I'm sure that's not it at all. I'm sure once again it's my f'ing fault. There was ONE DAY this week that I did not have lunch on time, but automatically that means I get no nutrition and I eat terribly. Mind you that on Saturday I had tons of fruit, vegetables, yogurt and granola, and Sunday I had a bunch of veggies, fresh melon, eggs and roasted chicken (in addition to whole grain cereal, etc.) all in plain site of her. I also drink only water and milk (no sodas, coffee, etc) AND I take my prenatal vitamins, but NOOOO- none of that matters.

ONE DAY equals no nutrition. Just like that. This from a woman who made a salad with iceberg lettuce.

I don't know why any of this surprises me. Sure things were better between us since my sister died. But I should have known the honeymoon was over when she sent me this email a few weeks ago telling me that propping the baby upright was "hurting her". I should have put the kobosh on the visit then, but I ignored my better judgment. How stupid of me. I won't make that mistake again. This will be her first and last visit. It's too painful anyways. Try as I might to forget, everything she says and does keeps bringing back the past. When I was in high school she used to call me fat to my face. That's just what a 13 year old wants to hear. Forget that she wears five sizes larger than I do and is a foot shorter. Forget that I had just lived through my second parent getting cancer AND my parents divorcing. Forget all of that. You just don't say that to people. I don't know if its my imagination or not, but I really think she's always been more critical of me than of any of her other granddaughters. My sister had it easy because she was the oldest, my mother's daughter, and had a heart condition. I was my mother's daughter, too, but I was healthy, looked like my dad, and always did things differently than her other granddaughters. I think I am still the only one to ever tell her off, which I did when I was 16, and made her cry in the middle of a Sears in MO. I don't really remember what i said exactly- I just remember she had driven up to see my sister and me, but we lived with different parents, so we had to go 30 miles away to get my sister, and my dad's house was too small and dirty to host anyone, so we went to St. Louis to go to eat, and when the check came my grandmother was PISSED that we didn't have money to pay. Mind you we were both in high school at the time and had never paid for a meal in our lives. We didn't even know what a tip WAS, let alone how to calculate one. So she paid, but she kept ragging on us about it for the rest of the trip. We went to the mall after that, and she would NOT shut up about it "I can't believe you made me pay for that." I think finally I just went ballistic and told her to shut up, but I don't really remember. I do remember that she started bawling and said she wanted to cut her visit short. In the end, she didn't, but things were tense between us for years after that.

Nice.

So remember how I said my grandmother complains every time I move the gnome when she's sleeping or wake her to nurse? Well this morning i was telling her about how the baby kept me up ALL NIGHT, SCREAMING and my grandmother snaps "Well maybe you need to make her sleep less during the day."

UH????

Damn it.

Just a little sampling...

Here's a little sampling of what's been going on around my house.

-Everywhere we go she complains about the price of things. Today it was the walnuts at Safeway. "I'd have thought that nuts would be cheaper out here since they're grown here." Well, they're not. Either way, I get it, okay? It's expensive here. Enough.

While we were at the store she decided her feet hurt and she didn't want to go in, so she says to me "you go inside I'll wait with the baby in the car." It was only about 95 degrees in the car, so I told her she was welcome to wait but I'm not leaving a newborn in a hot vehicle. She tried doing that twice at two different stores, but I shot her down both times. Before we even left she was like "oh, I'll stay home with the baby," and I said "well, the baby is coming with me," and she got really annoyed and said "but she's sleeping- why do you have to wake her?" For the record, I didn't. She sleeps just as well in the car as she does in her swing. The baby eats every 3 hours, and if she's asleep at feeding time I wake her up, and every time I do (many times while my grandmother is holding her) my grandmother complains "but she's sleeping." I have told her six THOUSAND times that I need to feed her every three hours no matter what, or she won't gain any weight, but every single time the old lady complains about it.

We went to Best Buy and she went back inside to return the cart. On the way out, the guy guarding the door says to her "did you find everything alright?" and she snaps at him "I was returning the carriage- for the baby." And she comes out and says to me (about the guy) "what a dumb shit. He saw me return that cart." Um... What the hell??? Why she couldn't just politely say "yes" to the security guy and let it go is beyond me. Everything has to be blown epically out of proportion. The poor guy was just doing his job, and he probably doesn't remember every single person walking through the door- even if they were just there two seconds ago.

Yesterday we were walking outside and I had the sunshade on the stroller, and i went to peel it back when we got in some shade and it sort of snapped forward by accident (it's light and made of spandex with a thin metal wire frame that bends) and she says to the baby "If your mother hurts you I'm going to take you home with me." Again, WHAT THE HELL??? First, it didn't touch the gnome, second it was an accident regardless, and third, WHAT THE HELL???

She cannot, cannot, cannot understand how to operate the tv remotes. She also cannot get the concept of syndication. When we go out she needs me to buckle her seat belt because the buckle part "moves." When the car stops she refuses to get out and instead will sit there staring at the baby until the baby is out of the car- then she'll get out. Same goes for getting IN the car - she will not get in until the baby is in. Then I have to wait five more minutes while she gets situated so I can buckle her in. Meanwhile everyone else is ready to go. Not that this would be a problem if she wasn't being mean as hell.

The other day I went to burp the baby and my grandmother snaps "pat her on the top of the back, not the bottom." Well, I didn't know that, so from then on I have, but then tonight my grandmother is burping her and patting the lower back. So really it's just me who can't do anything right- it has nothing to do with what's right or wrong. She also shoves the baby's pacifier in her mouth. If she's fussing, she'll hold it there while the poor gnome squirms and tries to get it out of her mouth- she will not let her spit it out- its like she's gagging her with it, and it enrages me. Monday was the worst of the gasiness/fussiness, and my grandmother, at one point in the evening says to me "Why can't you just give her a suppository?" Well, probably because she's a BABY and I'm not a doctor. Even if it were safe to give a newborn a suppository (it could be, I don't know, because like I said, not a doctor) I don't know how to, and I wouldn't do it unless I was shown and one was PRESCRIBED. You know, by a DOCTOR. I just get so annoyed. Its like everything she says she just acts like she's speaking on the baby's behalf and if she weren't there I'd just be killing the poor child. Like I am such a terrible mother and I have no idea what my baby likes or doesn't. The gnome through all of this has been a trouper, but I feel terrible either way. I may be a new mom, but less the two hours i spent at the eye doctor and hair salon, I've spent every waking moment for the last 7 weeks with this child- I think I can understand her better than anyone else, and I think she trusts me, too.

(speaking of this, lately I've noticed the gnome will stare at me when I'm talking and refuse to look at anyone else involved in the conversation. She also smiles for me much more often, and when she gets really upset while my grandmother is holding her, she'll calm right down as soon as I take her back)

She also keeps yelling at me and telling me I need to eat "to keep (my) nutrition up for the baby." Great, what am I? Chopped liver? It doesn't matter if MY nutrition is maintained- heavens no! I swear its like my childhood all over again.

Here's just one story. One time, when I was about 8, we went to stay with my grandmother for a week in the summer. We went to the beach, and on the way home I really, really, really had to pee. For 45 minutes I begged and pleaded for her to stop at every place we passed- gas stations, restaurants, anything, but she refused. Well, I take that back. Refusing would mean she acknowledged me, and she didn't even do that. She just ignored me for 45 minutes until we got to my uncles house and I had to pee so badly I thought my kidneys would explode. Another time she took my sister and i on a bus tour and told us "I don't want you girls laughing on the bus- people will think you're retarded."

Really? For LAUGHING? Great.

Unfortunately, I don't think she's healthy enough to make a trip out here again, so that's probably a godsend, but that's so far in the future anyways. Right now I still have six days of this that I'm stuck in the middle of and need to survive. Six more days of soap operas and game shows. Oh joy.

THe worst part of all of this is, the common denominator in the gnome's fussiness and indigestion lately has been that it all started when my grandmother arrived and my own stress levels shot through the roof. I think Sarah may be right that my stress is making things worse with gnomette, but there is no end in sight right now. and despite my many attempts at letting things slide off my back, just when I think things are better she starts in on me again. I'm sure a lot of this sounds petty, but after about five thousand little things it adds up. Not to mention this has been going on for years. YEARS.

I love her, but she is being worse than my in laws could EVER be, and it breaks my heart.

(baby) steps.

Today went SO much better in terms of how the gnome is feeling. She was a little bit gassy, but she had two dirty diapers and isn't turning red or crying! I feel so much better.

The grandma situation isn't really improving, but as long as the gnome is okay, I feel better. Mostly.

Major thanks to Nissa for being SO understanding about things. I would literally have a nervous breakdown if she weren't such a great friend.

HELL ON EARTH.

That's what my life is like right now.

First, let me just say my grandmother is not here to "help" like my mom was. She is here to see the baby, and keeps making that abundantly clear. This is problematic because I actually have to do MORE work to accommodate her. When we go out she can't buckle herself into the car so I have to do that. She can't reach things in the kitchen, she is terribly slow and slows me down when we need to go out. I love her and I hate to complain, but I was already busy before she got here, and now its like having two babies to look after.

Making this all the more worse is the fact that the gnome has had INSANE gas the past few days. She is alternately farting and screaming all day and night. It's putting me on edge, and my grandmother's helpful little comments about what's "wrong" with the baby are only serving to irritate me even more. I had this feeling she was going to be kind of mean this visit and she did not disappoint. Its almost as if she takes every opportunity she can to criticize me and my parenting. I can't take it anymore. I'm so depressed I just want to run away from my own house. I feel awful about the gnome's gas though, and i have no idea what to do about it. I have my own dr's appointment tomorrow, and i've been so busy all day today- I've had no time to call the pediatrician. Not that they were all that helpful last time she had gas.

She was really constipated this weekend and didn't poop from about 3 am Saturday to this morning, and when she did it was a TON of this foamy liquidy stuff- nothing solid. The mylicon isn't working, and she hasn't pooped again since this morning. I just don't know what's causing this. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It would be hard enough if I was alone, but now I have my grandmother judging me from over my shoulder. Today we were trying to take her picture and i was tickling her chin and she was crying (from the gas) and my grandmother says to me "Now you're just annoying her". Wtf? How does she know that??? Why would she say that? Why would she assume that's why the baby was crying? I don't think I can take another week of this. I can't get away from it. Everything i do is met with criticism, complaints... Guh.

It's just plain hell here. I don't even know what to do anymore.

Frustrations.

This week has been one of endless frustration. I'm having a bit of a quarrel with my husband about daycare issues. First of all, daycare, let me just say, is not really my favorite idea for the baby, but the day may come where I don't have a choice. The problem is, the good ones are SO expensive, and the bad ones... Well, I don't really want to entrust my child to the bad ones. A houseplant, maybe, but a human? Not so much. I found a nice one that is more than I make a week, so that's kind of pointless, but my husband could pay half and we'd be fine. Problem is, he doesn't agree and I'm not sure what's more annoying- that he'd make ME pay for it, or that I can't find anything cheaper. Well, okay, I'm sure he'd pay for half regardless, but because we'd still not actually be making any money by my working, he has deemed it worthless. I just worry that my employer's generosity will wear out eventually. That and after visiting last week I really miss the place and still do intend on returning.

The other thing annoying me, I hate to say, is my houseguest. She's just... I don't know. I love her, but its just a lot of extra work and I have so many things I'm juggling already. I'm just not really equipped for company at the moment.

I did do a good deed though. My husband is pissed @ the in laws, so he didn't get his dad anything for father's day. Problem is, the in laws get upset if you don't get them gifts, so i bought a 4 dollar onesie @ t@rget that said 'grandpa's little princess' and took the gnome's picture in it and sent him the picture this morning. He LOVED it, and was very touched by the thought, so go me! I was relieved he was okay with just that, and now I don't have to hear through the grapevine how horrible of a son my husband is, and how I should be making sure he sends gifts to his parents. They're HIS parent's, after all.

But I'M the baby!!!

My grandmother is here for 10 days. The dynamic of our relationship seems to have changed, as I am no longer a child and now a parent. I see her interacting with the gnome as if she's the grandchild and I'm no longer a kid. Of course this is all true, but it's weird. The last time I saw my grandmother was at my wedding and I was still her baby, all grown up. Now I'm not even that- its like I don't even matter. I'm not upset really, but it is a weird feeling. There was only one moment that really offended me, and that was when my grandmother told the gnome that if the gnome wasn't here my grandmother "wouldn't even bother" coming out here to see me. Ouch. Though my relationship with her has always been, uh, different...

A good few days

It's been a good few days for the gnome.

Yesterday she went with me to see all her honorary aunties and uncles at my new office. She did very well being passed around and was only slightly fussy towards the end of our visit. It was so sweet to see everyone with her, especially her Auntie Nissa, who marched her around proudly from person to person. It helps me, because I would feel like I was showing off if it were me holding her the whole time. It's a lot easier to have someone else show her off - its too much directness for me. I tend to get a little shy, even with people I know really well.

One of the best things that happened, though was Nissa's proclamation upon seeing the gnome that she had gotten fat! I was so happy to hear that, really, especially with everyone bitching at me about her being "skinny". She was never "skinny," so I take personal offense to that. But anyways, to have someone who saw her before she started eating more say that she looks fatter is a very, very good thing. This weekend at the mall my husband was carrying her in the infant seat and he says to me "What are you feeding this thing?" It was cute. Another positive reinforcement that she's getting fatter.

Then today we had a weight check at the pediatrician's office. Guess what! She gained 11 oz in 8 days! Her goal is 1 oz per day! She beat that! I'm so happy!!! She now weighs 8lbs 13 oz! They suggested we do one more weigh in next week, and said by Thursday she should weigh 9lbs 4 oz. I am certain her weight gain has to do solely with the breastfeeding. She's maybe had four bottles of formula in 8 days, so I can't credit that, nor do i want to. The doctor also said I don't even need to bother with the formula, so yay!

After the doctor's appointment I stopped by the store to get more Brita filters. While we were there we went over to the Carter's baby store, just to see what they have. They had the CUTEST white sundress, and i had been looking for a white dress for her announcement pictures, so I got it. It was 60% off! Hopefully Auntie Nissa can make it tomorrow, because I don't know how long that dress is going to fit her, as Carter's runs small and the gnome is getting fatter by the day. I also got her a five-pack of onesies for 7 dollars. She never had many of the short sleeved 0-3 onesies, and since it's been so hot i figured it was okay to buy them even though they may not fit her much longer. Besides, some days she goes through 3 0r 4 outfits, so you can never really have too many onesies.

The gnome has been doing the WEIRDEST thing ever lately. Okay, get this- sometime while she's nursing, she'll stop to scream at the top of her lungs and then continue drinking. Weird, right? I tried burping her the last time she did it and she spit up a bit, so it's probably gas, but it's so weird, because it sounds like someone is torturing her, and it never fails to get my husband to get up from the computer (a monumental task) and come investigate. It's kind of funny, actually. The other thing she does sometimes while she's nursing is fart. Like ten times in a row. Especially in the morning. I just laugh at her, but really I'm glad she does it, because sometimes she gets such bad gas she just cries and cries and nothing comes out no matter how much she strains. Thank goodness for mylicon... You should see the face she gives me when I give her the mylicon- she obviously doesn't love the taste, but she tolerates it. Babies are so funny.

Update and OT

So I figured something out about that babygap gift card. I can use it @ Old N*vy! Hurrah! Even better? ON has 0-3 month newborn hats!!! How fantastic!!! You would not believe how hard it is to find sunhats for newborns. I have two that are 0-6 months, but do you have any idea the difference in head sizes between newborns and 6 month olds? It's staggering. So I ordered the gnome a bunch of fun things- shorts, a cute toucan onesie, a little bubble dress, the hat, and I think a cardigan for when she gets bigger. Now i just need a little summer-weight cardigan for her to wear NOW (they were sold out in her current size). I can't wait for it to get here!

Also, today i figured out the whole reason for the proper latch. When I took the nursing class, nobody told me that it doesn't matter HOW you get the proper latch - the point is that the baby is not pulling on your nipple. I thought it was all about HOW she attached and it didn't matter beyond that. Well, that was until the searing pain returned today. Then I realized "oh, now I get it". So now I just have to make sure we don't have any issues in mouth placement.. So THAT'S why they discourage pacifiers and bottles... Damn. You know, all of this could have been avoided had they just told me about this BEFORE. Anyway. Now I have to figure out how to heal whilst still feeding her. Not an easy task, and now I'm getting engorged, so I had to pump, which didn't yield much because it was too painful to even pump, so i stopped at one ounce. Oy, I have made yet another mess. Patience, I guess.

Also, the OT:

So last night on the phone with my brother in law's boyfriend he was telling me about some issues he's having with the BIL and he was talking about the virtues of therapy, and he says to me:

"Remember when you guys were fighting and there almost wasn't going to be a wedding? Well I said to D*** (the FIL) "I don't know if they're even going to last long enough to have a wedding if they don't get help, let alone get a divorce". And then you got help and everything was fine- so we (he and the BIL) should be fine if we get therapy, too"

UMMM....

First of all, we were NEVER at a point where we almost didn't get married. NEVER. Where he got that from is beyond me, and that someone actually believed that irritates the hell out of me. That's one. Two, that he was talking to my (then future) FIL about the state of my relationship behind my back INFURIATES me. Okay. Here's some background. In August of 2006 my then-fiance (now husband) and I were bickering more than usual because i was bored and lonely with no real purpose or anyone to talk to. Anyways, we had a big fight and he told his dad about it (he has since stopped that) and his dad planted the seed of my neuroses and made the bs comment about how we'd end up divorced and he and my MIL would end up raising our kids (even if we did get divorced there's no way in F*** I'd ever let them raise my child). Anyways, a few months ago I told the bf of the BIL about this comment, and he didn't say anything that remotely let on that he knew about it already. Here I thought MY business was just that: MY business. Now I'm just pissed at the whole f'ing family. I cannot tell ANYONE ANYTHING ANYMORE. That's it. I'm done with the lot of them. I can't believe they were discussing me and my relationship with my husband behind our backs. I'm just over it.

Father's day is Sunday, and my husband has declined to get anything for his dad. I know we're going to get major crap for this from the in laws- they're going to go ballistic, but my husband insists he doesn't care. I think he will after Sunday, and i cautioned him about it, but he got all cranky with me, and i can only deal with one cranky person at a time, and i choose the newborn, since she can't help it. So i let it slide with my husband, and now I sort of don't regret it, because once again I'm pissed off at my FIL. I asked my husband why he wasn't buying his dad anything and he said "Every year I spend a ton of money on him and this year what does he get me? A mug". (The FIL bought him a photo mug for his first father's day- last year he bought the FIL those really expensive mailorder steaks). He's also jealous b/c his little brother has gotten a new laptop and top of the line desktop two years in a row for no reason, and they only get my husband birthday gifts. Last birthday he got three books. I'm not getting involved, but that's the reasoning. I have my own nutty family to worry about. Like my dad, who I will have to write about some other time because it would take too long to tell everything and I'm tired. Lets just say he has a minor ego problem and is having issues with the ladies...

Baby Stores

So I have all these gift cards for baby g*p, and I went there today to see what they have.

ARE THEY MAD????

The prices for baby clothes are INSANE. I was appalled. There was a dress on clearance for 18.99 that I wanted to use for the gnome's announcement pictures. Did you get that? ON CLEARANCE. I didn't get it, because I thought it irrational to pay that much for a dress for a newborn when I had just bought a dress at Forever 21 for myself for 11.50- and it wasn't even on sale! All it would take is one diaper mishap and its ruined forever. And seriously- for a dress that she'd only wear a few times, uh, not so much.

Speaking of diaper mishaps, the gnome has a new game. No matter how long or short I wait after she's done eating to change her diaper, she always sneak attacks me and does both 1 and 2 all over the changing table. Even if she already went in the diaper. Even if i heard it happen. She hates being changed so much, its like a squid spraying ink. Oh silly gnome. I try to tell her I'm not just going to stop changing her, but she doesn't seem to care.

Things seem better.

Thursday night me and my husband had a little chat about the breastfeeding, and he agreed that calling the lactation consultant would be a good idea. I figured it would take a few days to get an appointment, but surprisingly she agreed to meet me Friday.

After missing her appointment and rescheduling for later that night, the consultant finally showed up at about 6:45 pm Friday night. She was really nice and very helpful, and she taught me a lot more than I'd anticipated- not about latches or technique, but about intuition and common sense. I had been going about the breastfeeding thing all wrong, and I didn't even realize it.

First of all, the reason the gnome wasn't getting all that much milk when I first breastfed her (or, I guess when I "last" breastfed her) was because I was watching the clock and stopping her because I was impatient and so sure she must have gotten her fill. That was wrong of me, but I honestly thought it should take her the same amount of time to nurse as it does to drink from the bottle, and every doctor I'd spoken to told me that babies should nurse from 20-30 minutes each time. So after 20-30 minutes I was sure she was done and would stop her. Of course she wasn't getting enough milk! She doesn't always drink the whole time, so that number is inaccurate or at best unclear.

I also learned that modern (western) medicine is too restricting on mothers at times. Not every baby will fit within some standard chart guidelines that all babies are supposed to measure up to. Since the consultant left on Friday I have nursed exclusively. Most feedings take nearly an hour- others take over an hour. I have not rushed her- I know to give her plenty of time, and just let her eat at her own pace.

In terms of her weight, just because she's not gaining at the same rate as other babies, doesn't mean she isn't healthy. Every baby is different, and as long as she's eating at her own pace and is satisfied, then her weight gain shouldn't matter. Also, my supply will be fine if I let her eat for as long as she wants. It's all so simple, yet it was a revelation to me at the time.

So far the nursing has been going pretty good. A little bit of discomfort, but mostly it's perfectly fine. And i even figured out how to nurse her lying in bed, which really helps at night when I'm too tired to get up. Of course, after "the incident", I only nurse her on the inside of the bed, so I can only do it half the time. Also, the consultant showed me how to use the nursing pillow to my advantage sitting on the couch, and positioning her has been SO MUCH EASIER, which makes long feedings 100 times more comfortable because I'm not straining my back anymore.

Lets hope I can keep it up. Theres a nursing support group every Tuesday that I was invited to attend, but its during the day and I do work from home, so I'm not sure if I'll go... We'll see. Overall, it was a great investment, and i'm feeling pretty confident.

Progress.

Last night i had a long talk with my husband about the nursing issues, and we've decided to call a lactation consultant. He actually emailed a woman from the list the nurse gave me yesterday, so we'll see how that works out. I'm not sure why *he* emailed her, but its okay. Just tell me where to go and when to go there and I'll do it.

The fenugreek seems to be working. I noticed a big increase this morning. I pumped at 4:30 am and then again at 8 and got 4 oz each time, which is pretty good. So far today I've given her 4 oz at each feeding and no formula whatsoever. If I can do more on my own then why bother with the fake stuff? If that's not "enough" then I don't know what is, but considering i've been taking the fenugreek for only 24 hours, maybe its not done working its magic yet and i can get up to 5 at each pumping. That should be more than enough for her- though I think 4 is fine, because at her 2pm feeding she started falling asleep before she finished and didn't really want to keep going. She's asleep now, rocking in her swing. So sweet.

I came up with some nursing questions. First, if your baby eats more as she/he gets older, do you produce more to accommodate? Does that mean your breasts get bigger and bigger? Do I need to keep buying new bras as the baby grows? Also, how much water do you need to drink between feedings? I was drinking a ton, but now I'm getting paranoid that i'm going to thin my blood and die like that lady in the radio contest from a year or so ago. Remember that Wee for a Wii contest out of Sacramento, CA?

I got another gift for her today- a cute little summer outfit in the 6-9 month size. Again, not to seem ungrateful, but she can't wear a romper in November! At least with this one I know where it's from and can try to exchange it for a smaller size. No doubt the givers will want a picture, so I will try to get the same thing. It's cute- I don't hate it- but again, it's going to go to waste, because i'm not putting a 6 month old in a summer outfit in November. And her birthday is at the END of the month, so she probably won't even fit into it until well into December. People have the fortitude to buy bigger sizes in advance- why do they not try to figure out WHEN the child might actually fit into the outfit? Drives me nuts.

Damn. Damn, damn, damn, DAMN.

Today the gnome got really fussy early on in the day, which is not common for her. I was immediately convinced it was gas, but called the pediatrician because I didn't want to start her on medicine (otc or not) without checking first, so they had me talk to an advice nurse. Harumpf.

The advice nurse asked a ton of questions, probably because she had a trainee on the line with her, and then she started taking me to task for my pumping instead of nursing deal. I can't even tell you how annoying that is. First of all, I'm calling because my baby isn't feeling good- can we deal with my apparent inadequacies as a parent later, please? Second, that has nothing to do with why I called, and third, in the immortal words of Stephanie Tanner, "HOW RUDE!"

She was all "is there any particular reason you're pumping instead of breastfeeding?" And I'm all "Yes, because i love feeling like a cow hooked up to machinery, and enjoy watching milk squirt from my body."

(No, I didn't really say that)

Actually, i told her the truth- because nursing hurts. And then i got the lecture about how i should call the lactation consultant. Well, I would, but I can't afford it right now, I say, so she prepared for me a list of affordable consultants and left it for me at the pediatricians office. Great. Thanks, I guess. I don't know. I agree with her it would probably be better for everyone involved, but its really expensive, and honestly, I feel judged, and I really would rather not have to feel worse about myself right now.

So the gnome is fine. They never figured out what it is. I suspect its still gas but the doctor (oh, the doctor) thinks the gnome is STILL not eating enough. Well what the f***? What else is new? Of COURSE it's my fault! My husband doesn't feed her at all, but of course it's not HIS fault! He's not deficient in any way. It's always ME. She gets 3 oz every 3 hrs, which is the best I can do because thats how fast I can produce that much. So the ped. recommended 2 things: fenugreek and supplementing with formula. F***.

I bought fenugreek on the way home and took some already. Will keep you posted on that one. The formula, though... Ooh, worse words have never been spoken, and honestly I would have said screw it and just ignored the doctor if she hadn't pointed out that not only is the gnome's weight gain slow for her age, but she should be gaining extra fat right now for her brain to develop properly, and since i don't want her to be stupid, I really feel as though I don't have much of a choice. Of course, we are only SUPPLEMENTING, and its ONLY until the fenugreek kicks in and i can maybe give her four oz a feeding or so, but anyways. So at her lunch feeding she got 3 oz of breastmilk and 2 oz of formula, and can i just say, the look she gave me when I gave her the formula... Good grief! If looks could kill. She can definitely tell the difference, and not in a good way. Poor kid. I feel horrible. I've failed her yet again. But she did drink it- albeit very, very slowly, and with that look on her face that could only mean "what the HELL are you feeding me, Mom?" I probably won't feed it to her at every meal. Maybe every other. Or less. I'm really tempted to just not give it to her at all, but if I can't feed her enough on my own...

Once I get paid I promise I'll go to the lactation consultant, okay? Argh. Nothing quite like inviting a stranger into your home to critique how you're using your breasts. Really, I can't wait. Oh good, an email from the MIL just came in! I ought to buy a lotto ticket today!

Will this day not end???

Today has been HORRIFIC. Okay, I know babies cry, but good LAWD the gnome has been INSANE today. She started at about 12ish, and is STILL being fussy now, EIGHT HOURS later. I am terrified about what the night will bring. I'm hoping since she really hasn't slept all day she'll be worn out and sleep well tonight, but I think that's probably asking too much.

At one point she was SCREAMING at the top of her lungs for like, fifteen minutes. NON STOP. She had no fever, she has been eating fine, her diapers have been filled at regular increments, and she has been burped after every meal and spit up accordingly. Interestingly enough, yesterday one of my parenting magazines addressed just this very thing (which has been going on for about two weeks now, every day roughly between 1-4 pm) and called it somewhat of a baby "witching hour" that many babies just lose their composure during and cannot be consoled. Weird. They also say it should end relatively quickly, maybe in a few weeks, but I'm praying it ends sooner than that. Please please PLEASE let it end sooner than that. I thought it was bad Friday when I called Nissa and burst into tears after four hours of crying. Little did I know... I was so young then...

My other news is that I bought a new pump today- the "pump in style," which I must say is a HUGE upgrade from the "swing" model. It's a double, so I cut my time in half right there. Then I cut it further because the pump in style is way more powerful and takes at least half the time the swing took and actually pumps out more milk! Heck, it's almost a pleasure to use ("almost" because it's still a breast pump). I also ordered one of those pump-bras that allows you to pump hands free, so I can sit here and work and pump at the same time! Life just got 99% easier.

Now I just have to remember to drink the water regularly instead of all at once when I realize I've forgotten to drink it for two hours.

Also, I saw something on one of the federal health websites about "pumping exclusively," which made me feel a bit validated and less weird. I was actually looking up how bad it would really be to quit breastfeeding entirely, but between that and what I read about the benefits of breastmilk, I'm going to try to stick it out for the long haul. I WANT to breastfeed- it was easier while it worked, but pumping is the next best thing, so I'm fine with that. And now with the new fancy pump, it will be a lot easier.

Ooh! The gnome is sleeping. For NOW. She's due to eat in 30, so...