It never ends.

I'm just going to post every time she insults me- how 'bout that?

Just now the baby was spitting up and fussing and my grandmother turns to me and says "maybe she's not getting enough nutrition."

Yeah, maybe that's it. I'm sure it can't be that she's being held all day in a death grip by a complete stranger who forces a pacifier into her mouth and holds it there despite her struggles to spit it out. I'm sure that's not it at all. I'm sure once again it's my f'ing fault. There was ONE DAY this week that I did not have lunch on time, but automatically that means I get no nutrition and I eat terribly. Mind you that on Saturday I had tons of fruit, vegetables, yogurt and granola, and Sunday I had a bunch of veggies, fresh melon, eggs and roasted chicken (in addition to whole grain cereal, etc.) all in plain site of her. I also drink only water and milk (no sodas, coffee, etc) AND I take my prenatal vitamins, but NOOOO- none of that matters.

ONE DAY equals no nutrition. Just like that. This from a woman who made a salad with iceberg lettuce.

I don't know why any of this surprises me. Sure things were better between us since my sister died. But I should have known the honeymoon was over when she sent me this email a few weeks ago telling me that propping the baby upright was "hurting her". I should have put the kobosh on the visit then, but I ignored my better judgment. How stupid of me. I won't make that mistake again. This will be her first and last visit. It's too painful anyways. Try as I might to forget, everything she says and does keeps bringing back the past. When I was in high school she used to call me fat to my face. That's just what a 13 year old wants to hear. Forget that she wears five sizes larger than I do and is a foot shorter. Forget that I had just lived through my second parent getting cancer AND my parents divorcing. Forget all of that. You just don't say that to people. I don't know if its my imagination or not, but I really think she's always been more critical of me than of any of her other granddaughters. My sister had it easy because she was the oldest, my mother's daughter, and had a heart condition. I was my mother's daughter, too, but I was healthy, looked like my dad, and always did things differently than her other granddaughters. I think I am still the only one to ever tell her off, which I did when I was 16, and made her cry in the middle of a Sears in MO. I don't really remember what i said exactly- I just remember she had driven up to see my sister and me, but we lived with different parents, so we had to go 30 miles away to get my sister, and my dad's house was too small and dirty to host anyone, so we went to St. Louis to go to eat, and when the check came my grandmother was PISSED that we didn't have money to pay. Mind you we were both in high school at the time and had never paid for a meal in our lives. We didn't even know what a tip WAS, let alone how to calculate one. So she paid, but she kept ragging on us about it for the rest of the trip. We went to the mall after that, and she would NOT shut up about it "I can't believe you made me pay for that." I think finally I just went ballistic and told her to shut up, but I don't really remember. I do remember that she started bawling and said she wanted to cut her visit short. In the end, she didn't, but things were tense between us for years after that.