Make it stop!!!

My grandmother is being slightly more annoying today than she was yesterday, but mostly in her descriptions of baby gas and bowel movements. Do I really need to hear the descriptions? Okay, fine, my baby farts a lot. Well, if she hadn't made me feed her that stupid formula... But the thing that drives me mad is how she'll say stuff like "Oh, that was a juicy one." Dude STF up. Vomit.

Then, she'll say "I think she just took a dump."

I am seriously not white trash. I swear it. And neither is my family, which is why this crass vulgarity is so surprising to me. Good lawd. Just stop with the descriptions already. When the baby is particularly gassy she'll just keep saying "Ope- there's one" and "Ope. There's another one." Seriously, the baby is gassy- do we need to announce it every time she farts? Yeesh.

(BTW, I hate the word "fart." It is one of my least favorite words ever, and it pains me to write it, but "passing gas" or "breaking wind" is too labor intensive to write, and it sounds stupid.)

I called her on the whole vulgarity thing - she never talked like that before, and events like that and when she called that kid at best buy a "dumb shit" are surprising to me. I told her I remembered the first time I heard her swear and how my sister and I were mystified. She was like "What? Do you think your grandmother is a saint? You kids used to bother the hell out of me." Well, that just reopened a sore, because she never swore AT us, so she apparently was thinking profanities at us, which I guess doesn't surprise me. I don't know. But to answer her question, yes I DID think she was a saint- she goes to church daily and volunteers on church committees. She sews baptismal stoles. She taught CCD. She bakes blueberry muffins for the priests every week. She counts the money from the collection plate. She is FRIENDS with the priests. She is a Eucharistic minister for the elderly and disabled. Inherently bad people don't do that.

Then again there's the whole child molester priest scandal. My husband is convinced ALL priests are child molesters, which I take offense to, because the priests I knew growing up weren't like that and I loved all of them (though they've all died in the past few years).

Oh, earlier the gnome was fussy and my grandmother says "that sounds like a hungry cry." Since when are other people diagnosing her cries? And for the record, it wasn't even crying, it was minor fussing, because she had gas again. Yeesh. And can i just say, the whole 'waiting for the baby' thing is still bothering the heck out of me. I'm glad (and sad) to hear that it's not just me who's experienced that. It's like she's sitting in the car staring at the baby to mentally drink its youth like in "Hocus Pocus" or something.

Just get out of the damn car and go into the restaurant. The baby is coming too, okay? Yeesh.