My mom left this morning at slightly after 7am. I immediately began cleaning the house trying to make it seem as though she was never here. It's a coping thing I do- if I see reminders of her I get sad, so I hide them and then I don't have to think about how she was here but isn't anymore. I'm not taking this well at all. I'm just so terrified of taking care of this baby by myself. Not that my husband isn't here- I just am scared of being "mom" and part of me is worried that he's going to get mad at me or regret having her because she keeps him up all night. Its not something he said that makes me think like this- I just do. He's really a great father- a nervous father, but a great father nonetheless. I just don't want him to be unhappy, and I'm scared I can't be a mom and a wife at the same time.
This whole experience has been such a huge eye-opener for me. I never listened to anyone about how hard any of it would be. I just brushed off the helpful advice and convinced myself that it was a piece of cake and anyone who said otherwise either didn't want me to be happy or was just a drama queen who couldn't handle her own kids. Wow, was I wrong. Granted, it's a little too late to conclude that maybe I'm just not mature enough to be a mother yet. I am, and there's no turning back now. I do want to be a mother- I want the gnome and I feel sweetly complete with my new little family, but I'm also so terrified I'll somehow screw it up. I mean, my actions in how I raise this baby can have a HUGE impact on the world some day. If I take a wrong step, will she be a sociopath? I have the power to make or break her brain and either raise an upstanding citizen or a danger to society. It's a lot of pressure. I guess it's probably a good thing they're born as babies and not teenagers, then...
I think I'll get over this 'panic mode' I've launched myself into. I just need time, I guess. My mom is going to try to return in August, and I can call her any time- she's just a phone call away when I need her.
Oh, and here's a funny story to lighten the mood (I hope). Yesterday the gnome had her first bath in her baby bath tub. My mom helped. We laid the tub over the kitchen sink like it said to, and put her inside. Surprisingly she didn't scream- she actually seemed to enjoy it. It was all good clean fun (pun intended) until I went to turn on the sink light and turned on the garbage disposal instead. Oh my GOD you have no idea how terrified I was. I thought I'd "disposed of" the baby. Of course there was no way that she was in any danger, but still. My mom saw the look on my face and cracked up, which got me to exhale and not pass out. The moral of the story is, from now on, I will turn on the over-sink light BEFORE starting the baby's bath. Yeesh.
1 comment:
Hi GnomeMommy, I want to tell you that all of your points are valid and while I've never been a mommy myself, I know that the majority have the same questions and feelings about themselves.
My best advice is now that she's here, she's here, and all of those questions and doubts can't change that. People raise sociopaths, but they also raise artists, great leaders, and successful business people. Just give her all the things you love about the world and softly warn her about the things you don't love.
On a personal note, I thought you looked beautiful Friday - you're calm, happy and glowing. I think that has to stand for something.
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