Last night before bed, I put the gnome in her bassinet and went to the bathroom. My husband was watching tv five feet away from her, so I figured this was no big deal. WRONG. By the time I got back from the bathroom (we're talking less than two minutes here) she was SCREAMING at the top of her lungs, and making the most horribly distressed face I've ever seen her make. I felt HORRIBLE. My poor husband didn't even have time to react to her - she just decided instantaneously that she was not ready to be alone and started wailing before he had a chance to get across the bed to pick her up. Of course she quieted right down when I picked her up, but seeing that face... It was awful. I felt so guilty!
I have to admit it did feel good to be wanted enough that I could settle her crying so fast. Not that anyone wouldn't have gotten that same reaction, but still. There is so much 'out there' about the mother child bond, I guess its good to feel needed. I'm sure we are "bonding", but it's hard to tell when they're so little. She doesn't really make eye contact yet, and she's happy to be held by anyone- I don't have the exclusive on that one. I'm pretty sure she recognizes me, but I don't know that she thinks I'm all that special or different from anyone else in her life at the moment.
You know what's weird? Before I had her- and even still now- I was looking specifically for that world-famous "mother/child bond". I was so determined to find it and understand what it feels like since I don't remember it with my own biological mother. The irony of course, is that my "mom" who is not my biological mother has been here for the past 4 weeks and is leaving in a matter of minutes and her leaving is completely terrifying and devastating to me. I don't know why I ever discounted that bond, when clearly it's just as strong as any blood relationship. So really, all along I've had the very thing I thought I needed a child to feel, and now that I have the child I don't know how I'm going to get along without my own mom.
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