Anything but this.

So today is four days shy of the gnome's 4 month birthday, which of course means what else but the four-month checkup.

The horror.

The checkup is admittedly a few days early this month, due more in part to what's available at her pediatrician's than my or my husband's schedule. I am excited to see her height/weight and to hear if she's doing well or if I'm failing miserable with the nursing, but I am decidedly NOT excited about the end of the exam. AKA, the vaccines.

She is due for four more shots -two in each thigh- and maybe another oral vaccine, which is just liquid droppered into her mouth which doesn't bother her (though she spits it out as fast as it comes in...). The part everyone hates is the needles, of course. Luckily for me my mom is here until tomorrow and can go with us. I think I need the moral support more than the baby does! My husband has already insisted that I wait out in the waiting room til the shots are over. I want to be able to, but part of me feels insanely guilty about leaving her alone in there. Not that her father and grandmother won't be there, but as mommy it's my job to comfort her... I just feel so conflicted.

Last time I stayed and cried just as hard as she did. It was horrible and heartbreaking, and I have at least one new mom friend from my baby class that has her husband take their son to get his vaccines so she doesn't have to be in the same BUILDING. So I know its not just me and I'm not alone in being a bad mommy abandoning my baby in her darkest hour. Last time the gnome cried so hard she didn't even open her eyes so its not like she would have seen me and felt better. I tried telling her it was okay, but I doubt she could hear me over her own screams- she certainly didn't listen to me- my comforting words did nothing to calm her down.

I probably will not know what I'm doing until right up to the minute the shots are administered. As hard as it is for me to see her in pain, I am still her mother and I have to be the adult. But at the same time, I've only been a mom for less than 16 weeks. I'm new at this, so maybe someone could allow me a little leeway? My instincts tell me to protect my baby from harm and stop her from hurting- it goes against nature to just hand her over to a stranger and let them stab her repeatedly.

I just don't know what to do.